The old lady who barks at you at the grocery store, mean Mary from accounting and your super-sensitive sister whose defenses are always up. What do they have in common? They’re all difficult.
Difficult people come in many shapes and forms. There’s the Steam Roller, an aggressive person who wants her way. There are also Back-Stabbers, Complainers and Whiners, said Gini Graham Scott, author of “Survival Guide for Working With Humans: Dealing With Whiners, Back-Stabbers, Know-it-alls and Other Difficult People” (AMACOM, $15).
Steam Rollers are the type to pick a fight with a stranger in the grocery store. “The best thing is to back down in that situation,” Scott said. “It’s like they are looking to have a fight with someone.”
It can be hard to back off, but Scott said it’s also the best strategy for dealing with Whiners. Scott said difficult personality types tend to suck you into arguments. And although it’s tempting to fight back to obtain a sense of justice, that won’t get you anywhere.
“Let it roll off your back and tune it out,” she said. “Let them rant on and you really don’t listen to them.”
When the Whiner is a close family member or a subordinate at work, it might work to pull the person aside for a private chat. “Say, `I really enjoy being with you, but sometimes you complain about things and I’d rather not talk about those types of issues,'” Scott said.
Private conversations also can help make a defensive family member or co-worker more bearable. Use “I” more than “you” in the conversation so they don’t feel attacked and try asking, “What can I do to make you more comfortable?” Scott said.
One-on-one chats might help bring down a defensive person’s guard or curb a complainer. But it’s best to approach a Steam Roller only with the support of a group. And if the Steam Roller is the boss, Scott said it might be better to just ignore the rants.
“By confronting [him] you are just going to escalate the situation,” she said.
Instead, train yourself to go to a happy place with “triggers” such as snapping your fingers, Scott said. When the Steam Roller gets nasty, snap your fingers and focus on a peaceful image, such as a white sand beach. Or your boss in the unemployment line.
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