Hammer (formerly MC Hammer, formerly popular) is back, but you still can’t touch him (as he mentions– again). And you can’t much see him, either, unless you catch his ad for Braves games on Turner South. But it got us thinking. What if Chicago’s finest artists (and one who claimed this as his kind of town) put the Hammer down on their own tracks? Herewith, a mash-up:
The team: White Sox
The artist: Kanye West
The concept: Red-hot and on top, Kanye West and the Sox can do no wrong.
The sample: “When Jesus Walks”
Our lyrics:
(Jim Thome walks)
Don’t be scared and just pitch to our slugger from Peoria.
(Jim Thome walks)
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Put him on first and you just let Konerko get all the glory-ah.
(Jim Thome walks)
A mighty bat this ex-Phillie brought to our old town.
(Jim Thome walks for me . . . )
He hits as high as a kite as the designated hitter-ha!
The team: Cubs
The artist: Smashing Pumpkins
The concept: Just like the Cubs’ pitching staff, one day we know they’ll get back together, right?
The sample: “Bullet with Butterfly Wings”
Our lyrics:
And what do you get for your pain?
Expanded bleachers, and a seat in the sun.
Even though they play–both at home and away
Wrigley Field’s the place–where the fans do stay.
Despite all my rage, I am still just a Cub in third place.
The team: Bears
The artist: Frank Sinatra
The concept: Alive or deceased, Sinatra is king. Just like the Bears.
The sample: “My Way”
Our lyrics:
For what is a fan? What has he got?
If not a grill, perhaps a brat.
To razz Detroit, and maybe the Vikes
And if they can, perhaps get psyched.
The record shows, no more woe.
Monsters of Midway,
Yes, Monsters of Midway.
The team: Blackhawks
The artist: Richard Marx
The concept: There was a day when Marx and the Hawks were on top. Now, not so much.
The sample: “Right Here Waiting”
Our lyrics:
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It’s been so long, maybe we’re hexed
But we have some good prospects.
The Stanley Cup, we have won,
That was 1961.
If we can play together
We could be the Predators.
Wherever you skate,
Whatever you pull,
We’ll be right here waiting for wins.
The team: Bulls
The artist: Common
The concept: Fresh young local artist matches up nicely with a fresh-faced NBA team.
The sample: “Testify”
Our lyrics:
Before you throw the ball away, before you lose another game,
Before we see the month of May, before playoffs get under way,
Please let us qualify.