The 12 days of Christmas aren’t all turtle doves and golden rings. For struggling relationships, this time of the year can mean more seasonal strain than holiday cheer. Just been jilted–or planning to do the deed? We’ve rounded up the best spots to cope with choruses of fa-la-la-la-la-la-let’s break up.
Where to go when you expect a scene
Let’s face it: Sometimes there’s going to be drama. Lots of drama. Maybe some tears. And probably some screaming. In these cases–dare we say it?–it might be best to do the dumping over the phone. Here’s what we suggest: Head to BOKA (1729 N. Halsted St. 312-337-6070) with your friends she/he never liked. Between drinks and dinner, excuse yourself to the restaurant’s “cell phone room,” a closetlike nook near the entrance that’s lined with velvet. Make the call. Tell her/him whom you’re out with. Wait for a snippy response. And, voila, there’s your in. Make it quick, because dinner’s on its way.
Or you wanna let ’em down gently
According to your 8th-grade yearbook, you’re “sooo sweet.” But these days, you–and your relationship–have gone sour. Looking for a spot to butter up your soon-to-be-ex for an easy letdown (and possibly salvage an Elaine Benes or Seinfeld-style buddy)? Nothing says “let’s be friends” better than a steaming mug of cocoa. Take the bite out of a bittersweet situation at Bucktown cafe Hot Chocolate (1747 N. Damen Ave. 773-489-1747); plenty of sugary menu options lighten the teenage-tinged awkwardness, even if you’re feeling more salty than saccharine.
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Dumped? Dig in to cold comfort food
Sure, it’s full of all the consoling confections a broken heart craves, but the romantic rep of the original Margie’s (1960 N. Western Ave. 773-384-1035) could make it a sensitive spot to visit after you’ve been ditched. Owner Peter Poulis counted nine engagements there last Valentine’s Day alone! But his new North Center spinoff (1813 W. Montrose Ave. 773-348-0400) hasn’t garnered that same track record yet, which means it’s a good place to gain extra weight after you’ve lost some excess baggage. Plus, Poulis says he’ll be at the ready with a Jumbo Fudge Atomic Sundae ($4.95), a three-scooper piled with your choice of toppers from bananas to English toffee to honeycomb chips–and, presumably, all the crushed nuts you’d like.
Try some booze to help soothe a jilted friend
She was there to hold back your hair; now it’s your turn to be a good pal and console your buddy who’s just gotten the boot. Nothing says, “Drown all memories of that inhuman creep” like a steady stream of booze, but if you’re short on cash (hey, it is the holidays), it’s cheap beer you need–and gallons of it. Grab your friend and a few boxes of tissues, and wade through the river of tears to Tuman’s (2159 W. Chicago Ave. 773-782-1400) in Ukrainian Village. The spot offers $2 PBR and $3 Guinness drafts every day of the week, as well as a cozy atmosphere, comfort food and dim lighting that’ll hide any traces of smeared mascara.
And if you want to rekindle an old flame
Doing the breakup-patchup dance of love? Head to Danny’s Tavern (1951 W. Dickens Ave. 773-489-6457); it’s inconspicuous enough to drag an ex under the pretense of “wanting to catch up,” yet dimly let and perfectly cozy when you’re ready to dial the romance up a notch and make your love reconnection. If all goes well, you could go from sipping beers to swapping spit in no time. Think of it this way: The dark corners are either perfect for canoodling or just the spot to cry your eyes out if your advances are rejected.