The holidays may be fast approaching, but the writing of family letters to go with greeting cards already has arrived. What to say? Do you tell everyone Johnny got wait-listed at Kenyon? Does the Hummer we bought get mentioned? Our new deck we added to the house? Grandpa’s death?
For some, it’s the most stressful part of the season. So Tempo, in the spirit of the holidays, is here to help readers. We checked in with some questions on the subject with Dr. Patricia Harkin, associate professor of communication and director of undergraduate studies in the communication department at the University of Illinois at Chicago and author of the book “Acts of Reading” and co-editor of “Contending With Words: Composition and Rhetoric in a Postmodern Age” (this sentence as published has been corrected in this text).
Q. What do you think is the No. 1 thing to consider in writing a family holiday letter to go with your seasonal greetings?
A. Audience. I’d urge letter-writers to think about the effect their letters will have on each person on the list. I’d ask myself, “Would I enjoy reading this letter if it were sent to me? Would I want to know all this stuff, or would I find it embarrassing? Bragging?” Ideally, your audience would be someone who cares about you and wants to know how your year has been.
Q. What makes for a good letter?
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A. I enjoy letters that tell me how my friends have changed or grown during the year, what they’ve learned, and what these changes have meant to them. My grandson, Brady, for example, started kindergarten this year. I want everyone to know not only that he’s learning to read but that reading has opened a whole world to him.
Q. What makes for a bad letter?
A. For me, the very worst are those that sound like corporate annual reports with a list of acquisitions, achievements and mergers. “In January, we bought a new Hummer; in February, we got granite counters for the kitchen; in March, Susie was admitted to Cornell; in April, we went to Cap d’Antibes; in May, our eldest son Biff married into the Jones family; in June, Jack was made CEO; in July we got a larger yacht; in August, we moved to a gated community.” Yada, yada, yada.
Q. Is there a desired length?
A. You’re asking a schoolteacher?!?! OK, 350 words. A page — no more.
Q. What does it tell the reader when it’s too long?
A. Well, I’m not a psychoanalyst, but a really long letter suggests to me that the author wants to impress me.
Q. Can there be too much detail?
A. For me, it’s more a question of the kind of detail than the amount. Your audience probably doesn’t need to know what color your BMW is or how much you paid for the new boat, but details about a wedding — who came, what the weather was like, where the ceremony took place, what the bride wore — might be just the thing for an older relative or friend who couldn’t attend.
Q. What are necessary details?
A. This depends on the individual sender and receiver. Obviously, you’d want to tell folks that you’ve moved, married, had a child, etc. I’d think that not-so-good news — divorce, a death, a serious illness — might also be appropriate.
Q. What would be examples of unnecessary details?
A. A rule of thumb would be to ask yourself if your details could appear in a magazine advertisement. If so, leave them out. So, not “Susie’s fiance gave her a 2-carat yellow diamond set in platinum and surrounded by rubies.” But maybe, “This summer, Susan introduced us to our future son-in-law, Jonathan. They met at school where they both work on the newspaper staff. We can tell by the way she looks at him, and the way he smiles at her, that they’ve made a wise and happy choice. The wedding is planned for next spring, after they graduate.”
I’d leave out anything and everything that has to do with how much money you make and what you can afford.
Q. What about the bad stuff that happened to the writer and his or her family?
A. People who care about you care about your sorrows as well as joys. They’ll want to know. If you suffered a very recent and close bereavement (a spouse or a child), you might consider simply omitting a holiday letter altogether this year, though. If your grief is too deep and too new, you probably shouldn’t be adding to your stress by trying to write a holiday letter. Your own emotions should be your guide.
If you feel up to telling your readers about a sadness, then do. If you don’t, then just let it go. If you do decide to share sad news (death or illness), then I’d do so simply. If it’s at all possible, find something positive to say. For example, “After months of chemo, Gabrielle is beginning to feel a bit better. The doctors are optimistic and her gorgeous red curls are beginning to reappear.”
Other kinds of bad news (Your son is selling crack; your daughter was thrown out of school for cheating; you’ve been indicted for insider trading) might best be communicated on a need-to-know basis in an individual letter, e-mail, or phone call.
I’d add here that major life events, even if negative, are part of you. Often your reader will need to have them. So, yes, I’d say it’s OK to say that “Catherine and I decided that it’s best if we separate. She has found a wonderful new job in Seattle and she’s delighted that she can finally use her enormous collection of vintage umbrellas.”
Or, “After Wal-Mart came to town, Dad and I decided to close the family hardware store. He loves building models in his workshop, and I’m enjoying life as a greeter at store 1736.” Your reader can probably figure it out.
Q. How much religion?
A. This depends on the person, really. If you are a person whose life is centered on religious belief, then that belief is appropriately a part of your celebration of your winter holiday. The persons to whom you send your holiday letter, as your friends, will know that you are a person of faith and will be neither surprised nor offended by any expression.
I’d say that the best rule of thumb is to ask yourself if the reader — each and every reader on your list — is likely to understand and appreciate your expression of faith. If your answer is no, then consider another version of your holiday letter for folks who do not share your faith.
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Q. Editing? Should someone read it before it’s printed?
A. Yes. Yes. Yes. First, I’d rely on the spelling and grammar checkers that come with your computer software. Then give it to someone whose judgment you trust — not someone who loves you and wants you to feel good about yourself, not someone over whom you hold authority — an employee, for example, who might be hesitant to criticize. If time permits, the ideal situation would be to draft the letter, sleep on it and then make your own revisions of passages that sound braggy, or preachy or otherwise inappropriate. Then run the spell check. Then give it to a trusted reader. Ask them to mark anything that feels in any way uneasy. Do I brag too much? Is it OK to mention Bob’s promotion?
Q. What about “ha ha ha”?
A. No, no, no.