Think “affair” and you think “sex.” But that’s not always the case.
There is a different kind of fracture: emotional infidelity.
Miami Beach psychotherapist M. Gary Neuman even wrote a book on the subject in 2001, “Emotional Infidelity” (Random House).
“An emotional affair can be just as dangerous to a marriage. When a spouse places his or her primary emotional needs in the hands of someone outside the marriage, it breaks the bond of marriage just as adultery does.”
Those fun e-mails you send to your friends and not your spouse? That could be emotional infidelity, even if the e-mail goes to someone you’re not emotionally involved with.
Why? Because, Neuman believes, you’re directing a special energy elsewhere that should go toward spicing up your marriage.
And you could also be opening the door to a romp on an African beach, which is where Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie eventually ended up, much to the dismay of Jennifer Aniston.
But heck. The Internet has made emotional infidelity a daily occurrence for some because of easy access and relative secrecy. And so has the workplace–whether it’s an office or a movie set. People have lots of opportunities to seek emotional comfort from the person at the next desk or from someone who shows up online at the same time each day.
With today’s technology, you can be “chatting” online with someone and using a Web cam while your spouse is in the kitchen dicing celery.
More Top Picks Best Blue Light Glasses Under 50
No big deal? Or is it?
“It was for me,” says Susan (who wished to remain anonymous) of West Palm Beach.
“I noticed we were talking less and less, especially about important issues. And he was spending more and more time on the computer and away from home.”
Eventually, she found copies of messages between her husband and his online “lover.” He swore they never met in person, but it was still devastating.
“He was telling her about me, and I couldn’t take it,” she says.
Even though her husband said there had been no physical contact, that didn’t matter to her. She felt betrayed.
Her husband was directing his emotional needs toward someone else and being less available to help and support his wife.
That’s the classic definition of an emotional affair, says Dr. Deborah Layton-Tholl, a psychologist.
“The person is making a decision to change their primary relationship, going from the spouse to someone else.
“The emotional affairs don’t have to become physical. If it’s interfering with the primary relationship, you can categorize it as an affair that can do harm. The other person in the marriage is feeling they’re being rejected.”
And secrecy is a magic ingredient in this mix, the way it would be with any affair.
That’s why author and therapist Neuman–who is also a rabbi–tells his wife of 18 years about everyone he meets or talks with. The couple have set specific rules to avoid falling into the emotional affair trap.
“You really do have to draw the line and talk about it openly with your spouse, what you are comfortable and uncomfortable with,” he says.
“It’s much more about what’s in the heart than the sex,” he points out.