I’ve seen crash-test dummies swerving up Clark Street, honking their horn and hanging out the car windows on Halloween. I’ve seen a pimp suffer a seizure at a Halloween party and be treated by Elvis, while a guy in a doctor costume looked on helplessly. And I’ve had the pleasure of impersonating David Crosby, Bela Karolyi and Sean Combs on Halloween.
In short, I live for All Hollow’s Eve. Or, more appropriately, I live for the night we celebrate Halloween in Chicago, which this year will likely be Saturday.
I love the quirks surrounding this dark holiday, most of which can be found in the catalogs that costume shops have been mailing out in recent weeks. Things I’ve noticed:
– “Star Wars” fans can choose between a regular Darth Vader costume ($40) and Deluxe ($100), which includes the codpiece.
– The teen girls selection of costumes should be retitled Lil’ Tramps. Teen Witch includes a mini-skirt and midriff-baring tube top. Pirate Girl has tights and a midriff-baring vest. And Demonica features hip-huggers and a midriff-baring halter. (I’ll refrain from describing the costume labeled Handy Candy.)
– There’s a difference between Gothic Witch and Goth Rockin’ Witch.
– Stewardesses apparently dress like futuristic hookers. And tavern wenches dress in tank tops and Daisy Dukes, not peasant blouses and ankle-length skirts like you might expect.
With those things in mind, see my Unofficial 2005 Costume Guide below, keeping in mind that I am just an ordinary man who spends an extraordinary amount of time thinking about what to be each Halloween.
Do–Create your own costume. When I dressed as a classy wolfman in 2000, I took pride in knowing that I’d ruined a perfectly good tuxedo in order to lend my wolfman an air of sophistication.
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Don’t–Buy a store-bought get-up that screams “I have no imagination, and I’m willing to wear the same costume as 5,000 other people.”
Do (for women)–Wear a sexy costume. Any outfit from the fantasy genre (French maid, cheerleader, etc.) is appreciated.
Don’t (for women)–Dress as a man. It’s not funny, it’s creepy.
Do (for men)–Dress as a woman. It’s funny and creepy.
Don’t (for men)–Go suave. When all the other guys are dressed like goofs and you’re impersonating Brad Pitt, you make everybody else look bad. Look bad with the rest of us.
Do–Incorporate aspects of your life into your character. Case in point: my wife is pregnant, which means we could be Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Problem is, I don’t want to spend the night on my knees with shoes sewn to the front of my pants.
Don’t–Let embarrassment prohibit a good idea. If you look like a moron, you probably have a terrific costume.
Do–Wear a fake mustache, which only gets funnier the more beer-soaked it becomes, just like real mustaches.
Don’t–Wear a mask, as you won’t be able to see, breathe or put a drink to your lips, three requirements for Halloween fun.
Do–Shop thrift stores in the suburbs, where merchandise is priced for people who actually need secondhand clothes, not ironic jokesters assembling costumes. (And be respectful. Fellow shoppers probably feel bad enough about buying used pants without you laughing your way through the aisles.)
Don’t–Go to Fantasy Headquarters on Saturday afternoon. You’ll wait in a line long enough to make you resemble the zombie masks inside the costume superstore.
Do–Commit to your character. Last year a friend portraying a morally bankrupt Southern preacher took the effort to line some pages of his Bible with nudie pictures. Brilliant.
Don’t–Go halfway. Fellas, if you’re going as Kevin Federline, hire someone to actually braid your hair, learn how to dance and quit your job. Ladies, if you’re going as Tara Reid, get a cheap boob job, forget how to dance and drink until you forget which continent you’re on.
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