I have several can’t-miss ideas for new businesses, but I’ve finally come to grips with the fact that I’m too lazy to ever do anything about them. So, rather than keep these unrealized ideas to myself, thereby preventing the world from becoming a better place, I selflessly submit them into the public domain.
Innovative Business Idea No. 1
As we all know, there’s a group of cat owners who live by one simple rule: Acquire more cats. These cat owners often run out of room in their homes and have to keep some of their cats in their cars, including the driver’s seat. Thus, without a usable car, it becomes impossible to get to a shelter to “acquire more cats.” Why can’t they just walk to a nearby shelter, you ask? Simple: kittens in their shoes.
That’s where Cat Deliverers of America comes in! The customer makes a call, picks out a color and a temperament, gives her–or, OK, it’s technically possible, his–credit card number, and within 30 minutes, a cat is delivered. There’s an additional charge if the customer wants the cat dropped somewhere in the front yard so it can be “rescued.”
Innovative Business Idea No. 2
There’s no better excuse for being late to work than having your bus break down. Unfortunately, you can’t regularly count on this happening, except in Detroit.
That’s where Dummies Unlimited comes in. With the Dummies Unlimited service, commuters can schedule breakdowns! The customer gives the route number and the time, and a test dummy in a compact car (Chevrolet Cobalt or similar) will crash into the bus, gently, of course, but enough to cause a delay. The customer will receive a “crash Polaroid” to show the boss, and there will be a no-harm-to-any-of-the-bus-passengers-or-your-money-back guarantee.
Innovative Business Idea No. 3
Doctors’ fees can be high, and insurance companies are stingier than ever. The most frustrating part is that many health problems aren’t serious enough to require the attention of a seasoned physician, but they still shouldn’t be handled at home.
That’s where the Medical School Dropouts’ Discount Clinic comes in! Just because a former medical student didn’t earn a degree doesn’t mean he or she didn’t pick up plenty of useful knowledge. For minor sprains, breaks and surgeries, this clinic of almost-MDs is the affordable way to go!
Innovative Business Idea No. 4
Instead of treating mental-health issues with traditional analysis, certain specialized therapists rely on music or even dance to heal the mind. These therapists, according to the American Music Therapy Association, help persons with mental health needs to: explore personal feelings, make positive changes in mood and emotional states, have a sense of control over life and more. Sounds terrific, and it’s always a small joy to see the word “persons” instead of “people.” But why limit specialized types of therapy to the arts?
That’s where Everyone’s A Therapist Inc. comes in! Everyone’s A Therapist helps people–and persons!–from all professions who have been laid off, fired or just looking to make some extra cash use their current job skills to treat people in need. By training people in the use of basic mental-health jargon and then giving them certificates, Everyone’s A Therapist will bring to the world trash-collecting, mortgage-brokering and bee-keeping therapy–and infinitely more!
Innovative Business Idea No. 5
More Top Picks Best Laptops For Note Taking
Deli meat made from lamb. All the other major edible animals are represented at the deli counter of your neighborhood supermarket; why not lamb? That’s where Why Not Lamb? (TM) deli lamb comes in!
If you start one of these businesses, make millions, grow bored, and ruin your life by having an affair with the window washer while dangling outside your 50th floor office, don’t despair: I have plenty of can’t-miss- ideas to get you back on your feet. Call me toll-free anytime; I’m reachable at any 1-800 number!
———-