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player ready...Now that it’s summer, it’s an excellent time to be stuck in a conference room. But before you head into your next marathon meeting, it’s good to be prepared. After an exhaustive study of offices nationwide–though not mine!–here’s a sampling of characters you may be up against.
The Extender
When everything that needed to be said at a meeting has been repeated five times, when employees are attempting to lift their half-asleep bodies out of their chairs, and when the boss says, “Well, unless there is anything else left to discuss,” that’s when The Extender strikes.
She pulls the “actually” weapon out of its sheath and goes to work: “Actually, there are still some issues surrounding the …;” “Actually, I was hoping I could get people’s input on …;” “Actually, I had a fascinating dream last night …” And when the meeting finally ends, you’d better make a run for it, because The Extender will latch onto one unsuspecting co-worker and turn the walk back to the cubicles into the dreaded “moving meeting.”
The Slinker
From time to time, most of us forget about a meeting, only to glance up from www.espn.com or www.kittenwar.com long enough to notice that everyone is gone, even the co-worker who eats breakfast, lunch and dinner at his desk.
But there’s a certain breed of employee–The Slinker–who makes an art form of it. Fifteen minutes into every meeting, The Slinker slinks into the conference room, getting that inscrutable look from the boss. Meanwhile, everyone else in the room feels really bad for The Slinker. Nah, who am I kidding? Everyone feels great.
Finally, after seeing that there are no available chairs, The Slinker perches himself on the air conditioner, and the meeting continues uninterrupted for 45 minutes until the He’s-Probably-On-Coke-Guy wanders in.
The Doodler
As The Doodler scribbles away on her notepad, she is either defiantly bold or just plain clueless, because everyone in the room knows she’s not taking notes in hieroglyphics.
There are two types of doodlers: the jovial cartoonist drawing goofy caricatures of her co-workers, with even goofier machetes sticking into their heads; and then the dour, possessed pattern-maker, head down, digging her pen into every inch of her notepad with maniacal precision. Sitting next to the latter type, you can only hope the meeting ends before she runs out of space and she explodes, the pieces of her body splattering all over you.
The Jokester
On rare occasions, The Jokester says something funny at a meeting; nine-tenths of the time, though, his attempt at “meeting humor” is no less weighted down with cliches than the corporate-speak he’s interrupting.
If the boss announces, “Everyone can leave early Friday to get a head start on the weekend,” The Jokester is quick to respond with, “But we don’t have to, right?” Co-workers may chuckle, but it’s out of politeness, or even reflex. Whereas most laughter heals, this kind can cause a small cyst to grow on one’s inner left thigh.
I’d go on about The Jokester, but this is hitting a little too close to home.
The Talker
It’s so lovable the way The Talker thinks that, despite his position as the guy who waters the office plants, his opinion should be heard on every single topic of discussion.
But just as it’s worth watching a player move without the ball in basketball, the best part of The Talker’s performance comes from paying attention to the boss twisting and turning as he realizes his meeting is being hijacked.
The Boss
The Boss is a brilliant, articulate human being who leads all meetings with an unparalleled grasp of the issues facing the company. She has absolutely no faults. At least my boss is like that, on the off chance she’s reading this.
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