Yes, it’s Monday. You’re on your way to a place you’d rather not be. That’s natural. Let us help:
Sit down, catch your breath, relax … AND RUN FOR THE HILLS!
JIMMY GREENFIELD
TOPIC 1: WHAT WAS THE ODDEST RED SOX-CUBS THING YOU SAW THIS WEEKEND?
Could be wrong, but I think I saw Ben Affleck making out with Bill Murray.
TOPIC 2: THE WHITE SOX RETURN TO TOWN AFTER A WEEK AWAY. WHAT’S CHANGED SINCE THEY LEFT?
Somebody took the heroin out of the water supply.
TOPIC 3: WHAT DOES WINNING A NFL EUROPE WORLD BOWL MEAN FOR QUARTERBACK KURT KITTNER?
Nothing. There’s a reason there are no playoffs for the junior varsity.
TOPIC 4: HOW ARE YOU PERSONALLY PREPARING FOR THE TOUR DE FRANCE?
I’m only eating hot fudge sundaes while sitting on a tricycle.
TOPIC 5: AFTER QUITTING IN HIS BOUT AGAINST KEVIN MCBRIDE, WHAT’S NEXT FOR MIKE TYSON e’s in luck.Wal-Mart’s hiring.
PHIL THOMPSON
TOPIC 1: WHAT WAS THE ODDEST RED SOX-CUBS THING YOU SAW THIS WEEKEND?
I was at a game and didn’t see a single person on a cell phone. They must have gone hands-free.
TOPIC 2: THE WHITE SOX RETURN TO TOWN AFTER A WEEK AWAY. WHAT’S CHANGED SINCE THEY LEFT?
Tourists invaded Chicago. Just look for the road kill in black socks and sandals on Michigan Avenue.
TOPIC 3: WHAT DOES WINNING A NFL EUROPE WORLD BOWL MEAN FOR QUARTERBACK KURT KITTNER?
The pipeline of Illini quarterbacks to the Arena Football League has finally been established.
TOPIC 4: HOW ARE YOU PERSONALLY PREPARING FOR THE TOUR DE FRANCE?
I promise to watch some of Lance’s last Tour de France and I promise I will break that promise.
TOPIC 5: AFTER QUITTING IN HIS BOUT AGAINST KEVIN MCBRIDE, WHAT’S NEXT FOR MIKE TYSON? Uh-uh. After McBride, the McHoneymoon is over.
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LEO EBERSOLE
TOPIC 1: WHAT WAS THE ODDEST RED SOX-CUBS THING YOU SAW THIS WEEKEND?
Red Sox fans chanting “Yankees suck.” You broke the curse. Get over it, already.
TOPIC 2: THE WHITE SOX RETURN TO TOWN AFTER A WEEK AWAY. WHAT’S CHANGED SINCE THEY LEFT?
Three people declared themselves Sox fans and are ACTUALLY considering buying tickets.
TOPIC 3: WHAT DOES WINNING A NFL EUROPE WORLD BOWL MEAN FOR QUARTERBACK KURT KITTNER?
He’s now America’s second-worst export, moving just ahead of Euro Disney.
TOPIC 4: HOW ARE YOU PERSONALLY PREPARING FOR THE TOUR DE FRANCE?
I’m mailing urine samples to Bag Boy.
TOPIC 5: AFTER QUITTING IN HIS BOUT AGAINST KEVIN MCBRIDE, WHAT’S NEXT FOR MIKE TYSON? He opens an ear-piercing parlor. No tools, moderate chance of infection.
WHIZZER
TOPIC 1: WHAT WAS THE ODDEST RED SOX-CUBS THING YOU SAW THIS WEEKEND?
It remains Johnny Damon’s hair. I see him and think “What an amazing stripper he’d be.”
TOPIC 2: THE WHITE SOX RETURN TO TOWN AFTER A WEEK AWAY. WHAT’S CHANGED SINCE THEY LEFT?
The Statue of Liberty is under water. YOU MANIACS. YOU BLEW IT UP. DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL.
TOPIC 3: WHAT DOES WINNING A NFL EUROPE WORLD BOWL MEAN FOR QUARTERBACK KURT KITTNER?
He’ll never have to pay for a meal in Amsterdam again.
TOPIC 4: HOW ARE YOU PERSONALLY PREPARING FOR THE TOUR DE FRANCE?
Eating lots of foods covered in rich, creamy sauces.
TOPIC 5: AFTER QUITTING IN HIS BOUT AGAINST KEVIN MCBRIDE, WHAT’S NEXT FOR MIKE TYSON? A pay-per-view event where he fights his own shadow. Shadow wins by TKO in the third.
BAG BOY
TOPIC 1: WHAT WAS THE ODDEST RED SOX-CUBS THING YOU SAW THIS WEEKEND?
The Cubs scoring more runs than the other team.
TOPIC 2: THE WHITE SOX RETURN TO TOWN AFTER A WEEK AWAY. WHAT’S CHANGED SINCE THEY LEFT?
By my calculations, the annoyance factor of Cubs fans has climbed 154 percent.
TOPIC 3: WHAT DOES WINNING A NFL EUROPE WORLD BOWL MEAN FOR QUARTERBACK KURT KITTNER?
Three weeks in Bears training camp instead of two.
TOPIC 4: HOW ARE YOU PERSONALLY PREPARING FOR THE TOUR DE FRANCE?
I’m quietly downloading all of Sheryl Crow’s music onto Leo’s iPod.
TOPIC 5: AFTER QUITTING IN HIS BOUT AGAINST KEVIN MCBRIDE, WHAT’S NEXT FOR MIKE TYSON? He signs a huge multiyear deal with the Washington Redskins.
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