Today’s Beach Conditions
Temperature:
Air: 75 degrees
Water: 34 degrees
Child With Strep Throat Playing, Coughing 18 Inches From Your Towel: 1
02 degrees
Sun/UV Rays:
Sunrise: 5:52 a.m.
Sunset: 7:19 p.m.
“After the Sunset” screening; night 3 of Brett Ratner Retrospective Film Festival: 8:30 p.m.
UV Sun Index: 3 (Low)
Average beachgoer sunscreen SPF: 8
Average Jewish beachgoer sunscreen SPF: 64
Religion of columnist stated in advance of angry letters to the editor: Jewish
Tide, High: 5:45 a.m.
Ty, owner of Ty’s Surf Shop, High: 6:32 a.m.
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Waves:
Height: 2 to 3 feet
Force: 4 to 6 swimsuits lost at sea per hour
Hazards and Warnings
– Sea lice
– Jellyfish
– Sal’s Beachside Burrito Hut
Special Advisory
Between the hours of 11 a.m. and 1 p.m., the “Jaws” 30th anniversary great white shark will be patrolling the waters by the “old ladies’ pond.”
Lifeguard on Duty
Fletcher Rooney
Age: 21
Hangover: Severe
Girlfriend of lifeguard on duty: Trisha Scott
Ratio, making out to watching water: 5:3
Evening Entertainment
East Beach Stage: Classic rock band Kansas (featuring an original member!):
7:30 p.m.
West Beach Stage: Former bassist from classic rock band Kansas (performing the band’s hit!): 7:30 p.m.
Sal’s Beachside Burrito Hut “The Backroom” Stage: Former roadie from classic rock band Kansas (unloading band’s original amp!): 7:30 p.m.
Miscellaneous Beach Conditions
D.B.C.B. Rating (Distance Between Cigarette Butts): 3.4 inches
C.S.B.A. Rating (Chances of Seeing Brad and Angelina): .08 percent
C.F.Y.Y.L.W.L.B.W.F.L.V.P.W.B.T. Rating (Chances that the Family You Yelled at Last Weekend for Leaving on the Beach the Wrappers from an entire Frito-Lay Variety Pack Will Be There): 100 percent
Average time under rental umbrella before being told sitting there costs money: 23 minutes
Average price of “Beer. It’s What for Dinner” T-shirt along beach: $8.95
Average I.Q. of person who buys T-shirt: 120 (35, if the one purchased two weekends ago by Stephen Hawking isn’t counted.)
Metal Detector Report
Average cost of metal detector: $199
Average daily collection by men with metal detectors: 23 cents, 2 used hypodermic needles, 1 “The Purpose Driven Life” audio CD (unabridged)
Number of years to recoup cost of metal detector: 2.37
Average life span of metal detector (if used daily): 1.74 years
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Paddle Ball Report
Average number of times ball will strike you in the head while sunbathing: 1.2 per hour
Average amount of fun paddle ballers are having if they stopped and thought about it: 0
Chemical Plant 2 Miles Down the Coast Report
Chemical produced: Hydroammonium petrochloraffin
Reason for concern: Absolutely none.
Really?: C’mon, it’s gorgeous outside, and you’ve got the day off, so why are you trying to cause trouble?
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