Lawmaking has suddenly become a high-risk business. A little too much largess from a lobbyist, oh, say, a big golf trip for you and the staff on someone else’s Amex card, some Gucci shoes, a rent-a-date, and there could be hell to pay!
Well, friends, not anymore. Welcome to “Phantom Lobbyist” your best friend in the capitol.
Let’s get started!
Hi, I’m Phantom Lobbyist, your Internet legislative associate, where technology serves the needs of democracy and commerce. Before we get started, I have a few statements for you to complete and some questions to answer, just so I can get to know you.
I am a lawmaker from a rural congressional district and to have a really good time, I …
Like to eat for free at really expensive restaurants.
Am taking golf lessons because foreign policy is important.
Have an eye for the (select one) 1. men 2. ladies. 3. both.
Delight in meeting foreigners in their European homelands.
I am a lawmaker from an urban district and to have a really good time, I …
Like to learn new facts in places far from my urban district.
More Top Picks Best Draft Cocktail Dispensing Systems
Respect the give and take of legislation.
Embrace globalization as my personal passion.
View campaign contributions as personal free speech.
Good. Now let’s talk about your special interests.
Do you 1. agree, or 2. disagree, with the following statements?
No one is going to buy me for a mere $50,000.
Rain forests are a major cause of pollution.
Oil is of no value if it is trapped in the earth and unused.
Bigger is better when it comes to automobiles.
Almost all life is sacred.
Not all those Arabians are bad folks.
It would not be bad to have my own island.
You’re doing very well.
Which of these statements best describes your legislative needs?
Better understanding of rural European values and cultures.
More personal relationships with the people of Scotland.
Help on keeping my head down and following through.
A closer traveling relationship with my 1. spouse 2. friend.
Which of these statements best describes politics?
A noble pursuit in the public interest.
A bonanza.
Getting to know the world and its ways much better.
Pragmatic compromise to achieve an end.
Thanks for completing this questionnaire.
Even as you read this offering, your confidential results are being tabulated by Phantom Lobbyist and coded into a completely secure matrix of responses alongside the responses of other lawmakers. Our objective is the efficient transmission of information about the “special” interests we represent, interests not unlike your own, in many cases.
If, like us, you find yourself asking the questions, “How damned important can a frozen wasteland full of wild animals really be?” or, “How do we know that chemical actually causes cancer? What if it’s good for us?” or, “I like ethics too, but you can go too damned far!” or “Didn’t Russia have national health care?” then we have good news.
Phantom Lobbyist is sponsoring an intensive fact-finding mission in summer 2005.
More Top Picks Benq Ht2150st
There is no need to sign up. Your answers will put you on the “go” list and you will be notified of departure dates soon.
Because it is likely that just over half of the U.S. House and Senate will be making the trip, Phantom Lobbyist has chartered the required ocean, air and land conveyances and arranged a series of high-level meetings, luncheons, dinners and tee times so there will be ample opportunity to complete the necessary business.
———-
Charles M. Madigan is the editor of Perspective and writes The Rambling Gleaner at chicagotribune.com/gleaner. E-mail: [email protected]