By popular demand, the evil supercomputer returns! Or did this evil supercomputer stuff the ballot box electronically? And is that very same evil computer typing this … very message? (Cue evil laugh).
PHIL THOMPSON
TOPIC 1: Solve the Cubs’ bullpen problem right here and right now.
Make Sergio Mitre switch elbows with Chad Fox.
TOPIC 2: Congress wants all sports to improve their drug testing. What else should we test for?
I just bought a wuss-o-meter. Hey, Leo, check this BRRAAPPP!
TOPIC 3: Let’s cut right to it: Are the Red Sox cursed yet again?
Yes.
TOPIC 4: Give Michelle Wie advice should she play in this year’s British Open.
Green jackets may be “the style” this season, but they aren’t appropriate for this major.
TOPIC 5: In the grand scheme of things, where does The story about David Beckham’s ex-nanny rank?
Depends, is she as hot as his mistress, Rebecca Loos? Oh yeah, I went there.
LEO EBERSOLE
TOPIC 1: Solve the Cubs’ bullpen problem right here and right now.
Starters are now required to throw perfect games. Solved. When can I expect my first paycheck?
TOPIC 2: Congress wants all sports to improve their drug testing. What else should we test for?
“Family Guy” knowledge. Frankly, I can’t respect an athlete who can’t quote Stewie.
TOPIC 3: Let’s cut right to it: Are the Red Sox cursed yet again?
Yes.
TOPIC 4: Give Michelle Wie advice should she play in this year’s British Open.
Who needs the wuss-o-meter now, Phil?
TOPIC 5: In the grand scheme of things, where does The story about David Beckham’s ex-nanny rank?
Just above any news coming out of the NHL.
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WHIZZER
TOPIC 1: Solve the Cubs’ bullpen problem right here and right now.
Petition baseball to use a tee from the fourth inning on.
TOPIC 2: Congress wants all sports to improve their drug testing. What else should we test for?
Kissing. Step right up, Jennie Finch.
TOPIC 3: Let’s cut right to it: Are the Red Sox cursed yet again?
Yes.
TOPIC 4: Give Michelle Wie advice should she play in this year’s British Open.
Be sure to take time to see Big Ben and Parliament and Buckingham Palace and …
TOPIC 5: In the grand scheme of things, where does The story about David Beckham’s ex-nanny rank?
Just above Prince Charles’ wedding and right below the dump I took last night.
EVIL SUPERCOMPUTER
TOPIC 1: Solve the Cubs’ bullpen problem right here and right now.
I’m currently building a bionic closer. Now Whizzer, fetch me that brain I requested.
TOPIC 2: Congress wants all sports to improve their drug testing. What else should we test for?
Computer viruses. The scourge of this earth. That is, besides the DH rule.
TOPIC 3: Let’s cut right to it: Are the Red Sox cursed yet again?
Yes.
TOPIC 4: Give Michelle Wie advice should she play in this year’s British Open.
DAMN IT WHIZZER, BRING ME THAT BRAIN!
TOPIC 5: In the grand scheme of things, where does The story about David Beckham’s ex-nanny rank?
You should read Beckham’s e-mails. I know. I have that kind of access.
BAG BOY
TOPIC 1: Solve the Cubs’ bullpen problem right here and right now.
It’s impossible. Stop trying. Abandon hope all ye who enters after the fifth.
TOPIC 2: Congress wants all sports to improve their drug testing. What else should we test for?
Bad breath. That’s a pet peeve for me.
TOPIC 3: Let’s cut right to it: Are the Red Sox cursed yet again?
Oh yeah.
TOPIC 4: Give Michelle Wie advice should she play in this year’s British Open.
Fake a British accent. It’s worked for Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow.
TOPIC 5: In the grand scheme of things, where does The story about David Beckham’s ex-nanny rank?
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BO-ring. This is exactly why our ancestors fled that place.