All right, relax everyone. I made it back from St. Louis. Bob, Dino, thanks for posting bail. You give new meaning to the “Show Me State” motto.
I’ve fallen behind, so let’s get right to it.
Bill Murray. You’re building a “Caddyshack” joint here. What in the world took you so long? Chicago is your hometown, you nut. We should have been first. Now get outta here, you knucklehead.
Seriously, you need the Bag Boy to make some appearances, drive up business, keep the place classy. I’ll do it for free. Do you know that the word on the street is that women love this column? Think about that. Call me.
Also, Bernie Mac couldn’t carry your jockstrap in “Charlie’s Angels II.”
Hello, DePaul coach Dave Leitao. Yeah, I’m talking to you. Haven’t mentioned you ever here before but now I am. Sit down. Virginia? Excuse me? Sorry, but it’s been like 35 years since Ralph Sampson played there, and you’re hoping to go up against Duke, N.C. and Wake Forest?
Sure, Mr. Thomas Jefferson may have designed the Virginia campus, but come on. That’s like recruiting football players to Fordham and telling them Lombardi played there. No, it’s not like that at all, but make your own analogy. I’m tired of doing all the work around here.
I was watching “Revelations” the other night, pondering the end of my world, when I had some revelations of my own.
Revelation No. 1: I love the no-name Cubs uniforms. They remind me of the Yankees and Red Sox except, you know, without the World Series trophies in the lobby.
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Revelation No. 2: Kerry Wood simply is not all that. I like the guy, but Dusty, I am afraid there is no holy water out there that can fix it.
Revelation No. 3: The Sox better be for real or I’m posting them on eBay.
And finally, just as the sun begins to shine on our fair city, here comes the NFL draft.
I’ll make this really simple. Take every mock draft you’ve read and throw it out. The Bears will trade out of the No. 4 spot and land 13 fifth-round picks instead. Five of them make the team, two of them as punters. Book it.
You know, they never take the players I want, and this goes back to 1983, when I wanted them to take Tami Maida, the quarterback princess played by Helen Hunt in the movie “Quarterback Princess.”
The Bears broke my heart then, and so did she.
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BAG BOY VENTS HIS SPLEEN EVERY FRIDAY IN REDEYE.