Greetings from St. Louis, mates. Hope all is well up there in the Windy City.
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None of you are really my mates. I was just faking being friendly. Get over it.
OK, so St. Louis. Wow. A six-hour bus ride for this? No snack bar on that sucker, and really, generally speaking, the other riders stink bad.
Anyway, I’m lucky to be alive. I was in a bar Saturday night, and I passed out when the Illini won. I came to (medical term for “woke up”) Monday morning. Doc said my heart stopped. They opened it up, pulled out a couple of pieces of roast beef, and I was good to go.
To pay for the St. Louis trip, I auctioned off this old autographed bat my uncle gave me. It was signed by Ernie someone or another, some “legend” who played for the Cubs. Yeah, right. Whatever. I get five large for it. I would normally say five thousand, but I’m so cool right now.
So now I need a ticket. And guess what? They’re going for $7,500. I’m no math whiz, but I’m like almost a couple thousand short. But I know a guy, who knows a guy, who maybe just might need … a kidney.
(Side note: I’m no doctor. I thought about becoming one once, but I rolled over and went back to sleep, and that very act alone saved thousands of lives.)
A kidney for a ticket? This is a truly special team, so I agreed. Plus, it’s only a kidney. I’ve got like, four others, right? I’m waiting to hear back from the guy, but I know I’m going to be there Saturday for the tipoff. I’ll have this cool orange bag that I spray painted. Everybody’s doing it.
By the way, Mr. Blue Hands? Your optimism sickens me, sir.
And since I arrived, I’ve had some time to think about things, important things, things outside the NFL draft. Things like:
Rick Pitino and how good a coach he is. Carolina’s incredible tradition. Michigan State’s toughness. How Bruce Weber is the only one who hasn’t been there before.
Mercy.
Maybe I’ll just keep the kidney and watch it in a bar.
———-
–BAG BOY VENTS HIS SPLEEN EVERY FRIDAY IN REDEYE.
Edited by the sports staff of RedEye.