Let’s face it, dahling. We don’t tune into that annual air-kissathon called the Oscars for the inside-baseball blathering about the art of the thespian and the craft of filmmaking. We find big production numbers cheesy, and we don’t care who will top the Streaker, Jack Palance’s push-ups or Adrian Brody’s make-out ambush on Halle Berry for best impromptu stunt.
What we live for is to see who shows up as a fashion “don’t.” We want to spot Hollywood goddesses in lamentable dresses or tragic tresses. We want bad Botox. On Oscar night, we mere mortals crave the comfort of knowing the rich and fabulous are fallible. Joan and Melissa Rivers are ready to dish on the fashion faux pas. Their two-hour pregame show begins at 5 p.m. Sunday on the TV Guide Channel.
–minneapolis star tribune
Let’s start with your predictions for best- and worst-dressed.
Joan: Best dressed usually is Nicole Kidman. I mean, there’s some givens. Charlize [Theron] looks gorgeous. Cate Blanchett. There’s some you usually expect to look good. Julia Roberts. Halle Berry.
Melissa: Worst-dressed–that’s the one you never know. You never know who’s going to make that crucial mistake.
J: You never know who had too much to drink the night before and chose the wrong shoe.
Horrors. Who’s most likely to have a wardrobe malfunction?
J: You can’t have a wardrobe malfunction now. The government, if you show your breast, it’s going to cost you $500,000.
M: Yeah, I don’t think anyone’s going to intentionally have a wardrobe malfunction.
Will cleavage be big this year?
M: This is the year of femininity, not in-your-face sexiness.
J: Also, these are the Oscars, and as Melissa always says, the Oscars are the big, serious awards. It’s like going to Grandpa’s house. And so you’re not going to show grandfather your new breasts.
Who’s had work done that we should check out this year?
J: Everybody.
M: I’d look closely at everybody.
J: I go to a wonderful doctor in New York, Dr. Pat Wexler, who does Botox. You could not get an appointment literally the last five weeks in her office.
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Who’ll be wearing the best bling, and who’ll be wearing fakes?
J: If Oprah shows up, she wins hands-down. I OWN this, you idiot. It’s a distinction that I don’t think America gets. Everybody has got amazing stuff on, but do they take it home tonight?
The worst Oscar hair award will go to whom? Charlize Theron went brown for a role she’s filming in Minnesota. Everybody knows we’re all blond here.
M: She’s supposed to be blond again at the Academy Awards.
J: Hilary Swank. I hated what they did to her in Vogue; she looked so uncomfortable.