“Everyone feels sorry for him. And they take it that if anyone knows anything about beer, it’s going to be Brad Pitt.”
–Glenn Pere, president of the Pere Partnership ad agency, quoted in USA Today on the success of the Super Bowl Heineken commercial starring Pitt
Dear Brad,
First of all, allow me to express how sorry I feel for you. Watching your Heineken commercial, the one in which you simply want to buy a six-pack of beer but wind up being harassed by a throng of pesky paparazzi, pulled at my heartstrings. Fortunately, I was able to take some comfort in the knowledge that the entire scene was staged.
Still, it was hard to enjoy the rest of the game after watching you suffer. To help me through, I luckily had plenty of beer on hand (sorry, not Heineken–I didn’t know).
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Believe me, I did want to add this note to an appropriate sympathy greeting, but, unfortunately, Walgreens was out of the ones that fit your particular affliction of being fabulously handsome, wealthy and famous. I guess other customers bought up all of these cards to send to you.
But, on to more important matters: I am looking for a full-bodied, top-fermented bitter ale with a bold fruity nose, subtle spicy notes, a 23 to 27 measurement on the International Bitterness Unit scale and a mild chocolate finish that is brewed in Southeastern Belgium. What do you recommend?
I know you’re busy avoiding cameramen, who, albeit creepy, help increase your box-office grosses. Still, I’m hoping you’ll find the time to answer me because, well, I take it that if anyone knows anything about beer, it’s going to be Brad Pitt.
I’m certain everyone else feels the same way about you and beer. It’s kind of like we all take it that if anyone knows anything about maintaining a child’s ant farm, it’s going to be Meryl Streep, or if anyone knows anything about recycling in the Denver metropolitan area, it’s going to be Clint Eastwood.
Though, as I write this letter, I’m beginning to realize you’re now probably contractually obligated to answer “Heineken” to any beer-related question you’re asked: “Brad, what beer goes well with filet mignon?” “Heineken!” “Brad, what beer is best when you’re just hanging out with the guys and Julia Roberts?” “Heineken!” “Brad, what’s the worst beer in the world?” “Heineken!” OK, that wasn’t fair; I tricked you on that one.
Still, I can’t help but think: Et tu, Brad? Heck, I’m not talking about the Muppets hawking Pizza Hut; the Muppets may be knowledgeable in many areas, but no one for a second has ever believed they know anything about pizza. No, we’re talking about you and beer!
Sure, you might go on “Extra” and tell us “Troy” was worth seeing, but when it came to beer, what we loved most about the old pre-Heineken Brad Pitt was that he told it like it was.
What I guess I’m trying to say, Brad, is, if you really needed the money, you could have asked.
Tell me, is that why you and many of your fellow movie stars are now shilling for consumer products alongside retired athletes, animated geckos and the Duchess of York? I know, you’re not your fellow celebrities’ keeper, but Robert De Niro in an American Express commercial? Burt Reynolds in a commercial for some company that I think sells grizzly bears? What’s going on here? Can you guys no longer afford flights to Japan to make commercials there?
What can we do to help? Oh, if they’d only raise movie ticket prices! Or, better yet, maybe instead of movie theater ushers coming down the aisles collecting coins for children with life-threatening illnesses, they could ask, “Would you like to make a contribution to the stars of this movie?”
It’s hard, Brad, when one’s beer god exposes himself as human. Thank goodness the world still has Keanu Reeves to look to for objective advice on wine.
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