You’re emotionally immature.
No offense. I am too. And so, apparently, are all Americans. On the one day we devote to expressing how much we care for someone–Valentine’s Day–we purchase greeting cards to serve as emotional proxies.
Each February, the greeting-card section of my local drugstore blooms red. The Walgreens at North and Wells currently devotes about 30 feet of shelf space to romantic cards. Shoppers clamor for Valentines that verbalize what they can’t say to the person they love. Sadly, the cards are as ridiculous as we are.
Because we’re uncomfortable with the depth of the emotions expressed, many of us purchase cards with anthropomorphized dogs, cats and pigs. It’s strange that we readily depict ourselves as chimpanzees–“You drive me bananas!”
Even worse, some Valentine’s cards use crass or lusty animals. One card at Walgreens features a dog drinking water from the toilet saying something along the lines of “You make your toast, I’ll make mine.” I can’t, for the life of me, figure out who this would appeal to–women dating dog-loving plumbers with bad senses of humor?
Snoopy is still–somehow–a star of the greeting-card culture despite the fact that he’s as much a part of pop culture as the hula hoop. “Hey mom! Grandma gave me a Valentine with some cartoon dog on the cover and an iTunes gift card inside!”
Many greeting cards seem stuck in a time warp: The men they portray are stereotypical dads of the 1950s. They lounge in La-Z-Boys, puff pipes or dangle a fishing rod over their shoulder. The women in the greeting-card universe seem trapped in that weird early ’80s stereotype–liberated and sassy but downtrodden. It’s like they’re co-written by Dolly Parton and Erma Bombeck, with lots of mild sexual innuendoes involving doughnuts and dirty laundry.
The kiddie cards are worse. Valentines for girls feature these empowering images–cats, Barbie and more cats. The boys are adolescent versions of a weird ’50s stereotype. They are pictured building model boats, playing marbles or some other activity boys haven’t done since the Eisenhower administration.
Near the children’s section is a subsection of cards labeled Simply Stated. I pictured cards that would appeal to me: understated, simple, subdued. I was wrong. One son-to-father card pictured a duo dipping their toes in the water. It began like this–“We always think we’ll have plenty of time …”
What dad wouldn’t love to receive a card alluding to his impending mortality?
A few feet down from Simply Suicidal is a collection of cards for serious lovers. They featured textured covers, silk ribbons and sentiments reminiscent of the Scott Peterson-Amber Frey phone tapes. The creepiest card began with what sounded like a threat: “Our love is real.”
Finally, there were the man-to-woman cards which contain the apology/ode. “Even though things aren’t always easy …” one began. Another read, “So I’ve never been a real suave, romantic kind of guy …” Greeting-card writers must freelance for sitcoms, because the man-as-idiot theme is prevalent.
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The extreme version of the apology/ode cards are grouped in the Troubled Love section. These are, I suspect, marketed to married men who recently slept with their wives’ best friends. An example: “There’s a reason to stay. There’s a reason to try harder and work on our relationship. There’s a reason to believe we can make it through this.” (P.S.–Happy Valentine’s Day!)
Other man-to-woman cards are obviously marketed to commitment-phobic guys. (Walgreens should be selling these things alongside the condoms.) Reads one: “Although we can’t know everything, like where this path will lead, or how the future looks for us, right now I’m sure of this.”
I’m sure if I gave this card to my Valentine I’d be heading back to the drugstore for an ice pack.
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