Cheap chocolate vs. fake flower
Valentine’s Day is right around the corner, which means most men are just now starting to think about what they should get their sweetheart. As a public service, RedEye offers up two last-minute gifts that you should avoid at all costs. Which one is worse? Let us count the ways.
WHAT IS IT?
Cheap chocolate: The Whitman’s Sampler is the mother of all cheap chocolates. It’s been around for more than 150 years–which explains the taste.
Fake flower: A plastic and silk knockoff of an actual rose. Which means it looks nothing like the real thing.
LOSER: Fake flower. If she’s got a strong stomach, she can eat the chocolate. Maybe.
WHERE YOU’LL FIND THEM
Cheap chocolate: In the candy aisle of the local drugstore, right next to the Twix bars and bubble gum.
Fake flower: At the checkout counters of gas stations, right next to the Slim Jims and beef jerky.
LOSER: Push. Neither of these places says “romantic gift.”
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THE MESSAGE YOU’RE SENDING
Cheap chocolate: “Hey, honey, Walgreens is open late!”
Fake flower: “Hey, honey, I filled the car up with gas!”
LOSER: Cheap chocolate. At least she gets a free fill-up with the fake flower.
WHAT IT WILL COST YOU
Cheap chocolate: Less than $10.
Fake flower: A few dollars, tops.
LOSER: Fake flower. Isn’t she worth more than three bucks?
WHAT IT WILL REALLY COST YOU
Cheap chocolate: A night on the couch.
Fake flower: Multiple back rubs.
LOSER: Cheap chocolate. A good night’s sleep is priceless. Plus, if you do a good job on the back rubs, you may get one in return.
TRY THIS INSTEAD
Cheap chocolate: Make a chocolate fondue together, with cookies and strawberries for dipping. It’s way more romantic and tastes about a million times better.
Fake flower: Go for a stroll through the Lincoln Park Conservatory. Once you’ve seen real flowers in action, you’ll never buy the fake stuff again.
LOSER: Push. Either one of these will earn you some serious brownie points.
OVERALL LOSER: You if you bring home a fake flower or cheap chocolates.
Trust us, guys, don’t do it. Try one of the alternatives instead.