So Sammy is gone. Big deal. Baltimore? Yeah, whatever.
I’m happy to see him go. He’s not even close to the player he was back when he was doing things like hitting with men in scoring position, taking walks, you know, the stuff complete hitters do.
So long sneezes, corked bats and the self-admiration. The only problem is unloading my Sammy Sosa home and road jerseys. And the blue one. And wristbands and–all right, all right I LOVED HIM, OK? I LOVED HIM!
And the gods took him from me like they always do! Just like they did with Michael Jordan, Jim McMahon, Bobby Hull, Mike Ditka (twice!) and Dick Butkus (oh those knees) and anyone else great who played
in this town and had it end badly. Henry Burris? Sure, him too.
And where do they all go? Second-rate sports towns. Baltimore? They don’t even have cable there. All they have is a baseball stadium we should have here.
OK, inhale, hold it … and exhale.
If this trade tells us anything, it’s that any megastar can be had out there for minimal talent in return. Furthermore, the team giving up the megatalent can be conned into paying about 80 percent of the stud’s salary.
Let’s make this work for me.
Based on this new math, I have proposed some other trades. My sources tell me these deals are for real. My sources are also very lonely men sitting at the end of the bar sipping Campari and playing video poker.
n Shaq to the Bulls for Adrian Griffin and two second-round picks. Miami pays Shaq’s salary (we all know he’s not happy there). One snag: The Bulls also want Dwyane Wade (hang in there, Mr. Paxson; the Heat will cave). Stay tuned.
n Donovan McNabb and Terrell Owens to the Bears for two sixth-round picks, Joe Odom and a player to be cut later. The Bears also can get the Eagles to throw in coach Andy Reid, but make this deal
More Top Picks Vornado Avh10
before Sunday. And welcome home,
Donovan.
n Barry Bonds to the White Sox for Willie Harris, 16 minor-leaguers and $3,000 in small, unmarked bills. Dear Giants: You cut the check for Barry. Sox also offer Ross Gload for Bond’s clubhouse chair. Fingers crossed.
n And finally, the entire Blackhawks roster to the Rangers for Jaromir Jagr. No worries on replacing the other players. The Hawks’ affiliates are stacked with prospects.
Happy trading.
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–BAG BOY VENTS HIS SPLEEN EVERY FRIDAY IN REDEYE.
Edited by the sports staff of RedEye.