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player ready...Wow.
What can I say?
Except wow, wow, wow and wow!
To win Best Non-Performance by a Non-Actor in a Non-Film is . . . gosh, I’m speechless.
Hold on, let me take my speech out of my pocket.
First off, I want to say how deeply honored I am just to have been considered in the same company as these other incredible non-actors.
Patrick Kassakian, your litigation filings for Fridland, Rice and Adams continue to inspire me.
Josh Ford, you are, without a doubt, the most graceful plumber I have ever known.
And, Douglas Johnson, well, what can I say about your actuarial work that hasn’t been said a thousand times before?
Whoa, boy, there are so many people to thank … hey, look, it’s Jack Nicholson in the audience.
Hi, Jack!
I can’t believe this.
Everybody, how about a round of applause for Jack, still doing a heck of a job managing that rotisserie chicken place, never letting it bother him when people tease him for having the same name as the famous actor.
Here’s to you, Jack!
Anyhow, as I was saying, there are so many people to thank, and I apologize if I forget … eh, who am I kidding, there’s no one to thank.
No manager, no agent, no publicist, no “everyone at Miramax.”
I guess I could thank the guy at the deli down the street from my office who has finally mastered what “just a touch of mustard” means.
I suppose I should also mention my mom and dad, who always told me I could do anything I set my mind to, as long as it didn’t involve them supporting me for a day after I turned 18.
And, of course, none of this would have been possible without my wife, who has stood by me during all of my 3 percent, cost-of-living-a-little-worse annual pay raises.
Oh, I also definitely need to thank Clint Eastwood.
Clint, I love you. I love you so much. You are an amazing, amazing man. You have made me not a just a better non-actor, you have made me a better human being.
Clint, you have taught me so much–how to tell if a cell is undergoing mitosis or meiosis, how to make recipe-card holders out of Popsicle sticks, how to download ring tones, how to make lists of how-to things and, yes, how to believe in myself, or at least in people who look like me.
Hmm, that might have been a bit too Hilary Swank-ish. But I meant what I said about believing in myself. That took some doing, believe me. I remember when I first started out in this business of non-performing, a lot of people said I would never make it. That all I was capable of was memorizing lines, taking stage directions and posing for headshots.
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But I never quit, and, so, for all those kids–stop the music! I’m not finished. Thank you.
So, for those kids out there thinking, “Someday, I want to get a job that will ensure I will never be on the cover of Us Weekly,” I say, keep your dreams alive!
And, finally, on a darker note, I’d like to call everyone’s attention to–I said stop the music. OK, fine, I can talk over it. As I was saying–oh, so now you’re turning the music up. That’s real mature. Well, I’ll shout. I’d also like to take this opportunity to talk about something very disturbing going on in the world right now!
I’m talking about the dark secret of no-kill animal shelters! Folks, when a no-kill animal shelter decides it can no longer handle an animal, it simply brings that animal over to a kill animal shelter! I’m not kidding, people–hey, what’s going on here. … I thought a model was supposed to escort me off stage. … C’mon, I wanna go to the after-party!
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