Oh, my gosh, it couldn’t be that bad out there.
Actually, yes, yes it could. I thought we at least had a shot here, and no, I’m not talking about the un-watch-a-Bulls. I’m talking Cubs and Sox.
I’m talking free agents who say “Hi” and “Goodbye” in the amount of time it takes for me to change my bags after multiple chili dogs.
I’m talking Troy Percival turning the Cubs down for a team that already has a closer.
Troy, come on. I already bought your jersey. We promised you money, a great market, fan support, tickets to the circus.
And how about you, Omar Vizquel? Sure, San Francisco’s nice, but wait until Barry gets cranky and your garlic fries freeze. Both of you guys, beat it. We can find semi-washed-up 52-year-old players anywhere. In fact, we do every year.
Actually, we can’t. The Sox are done dealing with superagent Scott Boras. Um, OK, that eliminates us from getting anyone who’s like, any good. Nice knowin’ you, Mags.
As for the Cubs, they can’t even lure an announcer away from ESPN. So much for being the world’s last remaining superstation.
Depressing. The only thing that depresses me more is watching the Bears offense. So bad. But it has inspired me to write a TV pilot called “Desperate House Husbands.”
(Had enough of the “Desperate” jokes, you say? No you haven’t. Sit back down.)
It writes itself. It stars me as myself, and true to form, I’ll have a really attractive TV wife who I would never have in real life.
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Bag Girl, if you’re reading this, I’m only kidding. Tara Reid, if you’re reading this, call me and we’ll talk casting over lunch.
Oh, hey, I’ve got some ideas on beating the Colts.
1. Get Peyton Manning to film a pregame segment with Teri Hatcher, but pay Teri Hatcher to be “difficult” on the set. That causes Manning to be late. Thusly, the Bears get some turnovers early.
2. Get R.W. McQuarters to pay his mortgage and David Terrell to pay his car insurance. When things are taken care of at home, we have happy, productive players. That translates into a touchdown for McQuarters and two catches and three drops for Terrell.
3. Most important. Offensive players, listen up: You’ve got to do everything you can to stay off the field. Can’t stress this enough. Punt on first down if you have to, but get the defense on the field so we can score.
Final score: Bears 14, Indy 6.
Seven safeties, each scored by a member of the front seven. Keep hope alive.
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BAG BOY VENTS HIS SPLEEN EVERY FRIDAY IN REDEYE.
Edited by the sports staff of RedEye.