You don’t have a lot of time and, frankly, neither do we. So let’s get right to our panel of RedEye sports experts and let them speak:
QUESTION 1: DOES ANYONE NOTICE ANYTHING DIFFERENT HERE THIS WEEK?
Phil Thompson: Pssst, Bag Boy. Did Jimmy get a sex change?
Leo Ebersole: Um, Bag Boy’s wearing deodorant?
Whizzer: I switched flea medication. I’m using Leo’s now.
Bag Boy: Indoor soccer has returned to Chicago?
Megan Carberry: I never knew this place was such a mess.
QUESTION 2: DESCRIBE NORTHWESTERN’S FOOTBALL SUCCESS THIS SEASON …
Phil Thompson: Very surprising. I’m sure they’ve calculated the odds to 17 decimal points.
Leo Ebersole: It’s like hitting the lottery every week. I’m buying me a double-wide.
Whizzer: They stay in games by never giving up. Like Michigan, but with fewer All-Americans.
Bag Boy: It’s like football games that are actually … fun to watch. I’ve never experienced this.
Megan Carberry: Slow down. There are still plenty of games to choke on.
QUESTION 3: WHAT WILL STEVE STONE DO NEXT?
Phil Thompson: Complain that his margaritas are looking at him funny.
Leo Ebersole: Roam the countryside solving forensic mysteries.
Whizzer: With a wedding coming up, he’s smiling and nodding and agreeing to the seating list.
Bag Boy: Realize he may never have it as good as he had it here.
Megan Carberry: Guest star on “Las Vegas.”
QUESTION 4: YOUR REACTION TO SEEING THE RED SOX VICTORY PARADE WAS …
Phil Thompson: The prisons must have had furloughs, and I’m just talking about the team.
Leo Ebersole: I liked it better when I couldn’t tell Johnny Damon and Goofy apart.
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Whizzer: Chills. Handel’s “Messiah” makes the hair on the back of my butt stand up.
Bag Boy: I’d give anything to stand in a cold rain and cry and for once not have it be about some girl.
Megan Carberry: Pedro Martinez deserves a slap for parading around with that poor midget.
QUESTION 5: WHAT ADVICE DO YOU HAVE FOR BULLS COACH SCOTT SKILES?
Phil Thompson: Target’s shopping carts hold 30 percent more aluminum.
Leo Ebersole: Chew on ice. It works for me.
Whizzer: When you’re chewing on life’s gristle, don’t grumble. Give a whistle.
Bag Boy: Never admit in public to crying in the rain over a girl. I am so mortified.
Megan Carberry: Give Kirk Hinrich my phone number.