Dear Cheryl: I’ve been involved with my boyfriend for the past year. I’m in my early 40s, and he’s a very young 50. He’s the kindest, cutest, sweetest, most loving man. He treats me well, and we have a lot of fun together. We have wonderful conversations, we laugh a lot, and we get along well. He’s romantic and passionate, smart and funny, warm and loving. We connect on an emotional, intellectual and physical level. Powerful stuff.
Now, for the problems. He’s been separated for three years and has two sons. We’re in a long-distance relationship, and I’m in the dark about a lot of things, including his relationship with his wife. At the very least, he spends weekends at their home, has dinner with them, goes to movies and other places with them, and has some companionship with her, etc. He calls me when he’s at work and doesn’t want to talk on the phone on the weekends. A red flag, I know! There are others, and I’m sure most people would think he’s not really separated.
There’s more. He has a lot of female friends with whom he’s emotionally involved. There’s one married woman who calls him all the time, including when she’s away on trips, and on his cell phone, and she confides in him about her marital problems. They e-mail each other several times a day and sometimes go away on three-day fossil digs.
I’ve tried to be as understanding as possible, but it’s gotten old, especially considering that I don’t have his cell phone number, and I can’t call him from my trips, but she can. He has other lady friends he goes on long hikes with or spends the day with. That sounds an awful lot like a date to me.
I also think he continued to try to meet other women after he got involved with me. He tells me he loves me and that I’m the only one. Then shouldn’t I come first? Shouldn’t my wants and needs be ahead of those of his married lady friend? And why is he openly pursuing other women and spending so much time with his lady friends? I recently told him we should focus on being just friends until he’s ready for an exclusive relationship.
Am I being unreasonable? What about the married lady? I’ve told him it upsets me that he has so much time for her when he has trouble finding time for me. I guess I’m old-fashioned, but it bothers me that a married woman with four kids spends so much time with a man other than her husband away from her family. It seems like he’s having a relationship with her instead of me.
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Am I out of line? Should I run as fast as possible in the other direction or have faith in my guy and give him time to change? I love him and still believe that he’s the one. I have a lot going for me. I’ve never been married, don’t have kids but want them, have a great career, and get asked out by other guys on a regular basis. I turn them down because I’m deeply in love with my boyfriend. But this relationship has started to feel like a dead-end situation. What do you think?
— Can’t See the Forest for the Trees
Dear “Can’t See the Forest for the Trees”: Your “boyfriend” is a lying, cheating skunk. How do I know? Read your letter.
If a girlfriend had described this situation to you, what would you tell her? Be your own best friend and cut this bottom-feeding scum-sucker out of your life completely.
I know it’s going to hurt, but you’re wasting valuable time with someone I promise would make you miserable if you wound up with him. Which you won’t.
Start accepting dates from other men immediately. You’ll find someone who’s worthy of you. Good luck, and please keep me informed.
———-
Got a problem? Send it to Cheryl Lavin, Tales From the Front, baiduhai, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611 or e-mail [email protected]. All names are changed. Letters cannot be considered without name, address and day and evening phone numbers. Letters may be used in whole or in part for any purpose and become the property of the column. Read Tales From the Front Monday, Wednesday and Friday in Tempo.