Well, it’s September, which means I’m checking out of all other aspects of life so I can place my full concentration on the baseball playoff races. If any friends, family, work colleagues, people I owe money to, or readers have anything absolutely vital to communicate to me, probably the best way in these next 30 days or so to get my attention is to write me in the form of a newspaper’s Major League roundup.
Here are some examples:
Gina 4 Grocery Bags, Mark 1 Grocery Bag: Wife Gina went to the supermarket alone for the ninth straight week and carried up the apartment stairs four of the five grocery bags. The final bag was left on the sidewalk, as Gina had to leave the errand with a lower-back strain. She is listed as day-to-day and will likely miss the upcoming road trip to Trader Joe’s. Earlier in the day, husband Mark collected a career-high 32nd nap of the summer season, despite a 31 1/42-hour delay due to a drum circle in the park right outside his window.
Mom’s Old Kidney Count 2, Mom’s New Kidney Count 1: Mark’s Mom suffered her first-ever kidney loss, as she donated the bean-shaped organ to Mark’s Uncle before a capacity crowd at U.S. Cellular Hospital’s Operating Room 12. Complaining of discomfort after the procedure, she stretched two Tylenol into three. By gaining a kidney, Mark’s Uncle pulled to even with Mark’s Mom and one behind Mark in the kidney standings. Mark’s sister also donated a pint of blood, breaking a 354-day slump.
George W. Bush 52 percent, John Kerry 45 percent: The Republican Party pitched itself for four solid days of its convention, as George Bush improved his lead in the presidential race to 7 percentage points. The only silver lining for the Democratic Party came when the Bush twins left the convention complaining of dullness in their brains. Also, Sen. Zell Miller was ejected.
Mark 40 Bucks, Mark’s High School Friend 0 Bucks: The Curse of the 40 Bucks continues, as Mark’s High School Friend went
0-for-3 at the telephone yesterday, failing to reach anything other than the voice mail on Mark’s home, cell and work numbers. Mark’s High School Friend got off to a good start by finding a dime in the coin return of the pay phone he used, but quickly squandered the profit by spending spent $1.85 on the long-distance calls. The number of days since Mark’s High School Friend lent Mark the $40 now stands at 5,167.
Some Guy in a Hummer 2 Fists, Mark 1 Extended Middle Finger: Having allowed three very-much-earned extended middle fingers from pedestrians in his last five commutes to work, Some Guy in a Hummer threatened to respond to Mark’s obscene gesture with back-to-back fists to the face. But by the time he had climbed out of the vehicle, Mark, who hasn’t been caught running away from a fight since 4th grade, had already stolen home. Unhampered by the incident, Some Guy in a Hummer rammed into a bicycle and a unicycle, finishing the day one tricycle short of hitting for the cycle cycle.
Outside Consultant, Mark’s Office (postponed): Yesterday afternoon’s strategic initiatives meeting between the Outside Consultant and Mark’s Office was postponed due to wet conditions at lunch. The Outside Consultant was ahead 3 martinis to 0 when the meeting was called. It will be made up tomorrow as part of a double meeting.
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