As you’ve watched these Olympic Games unfold, a nagging question you no doubt have asked yourself many times is: Does the U.S. water polo team have an Official Bottled Drinking Water?
Don’t be an idiot. This is the Olympics! Of course our water polo team has an Official Bottled Drinking Water. According to a press release, the team chose Penta brand bottled water because, quote, “They gave us money.”
That, of course, is never actually stated. The press-release reason is that Penta, unlike whatever pathetic loser water you are drinking, “is an ultra-purified drinking water that undergoes a rigorous 13-step purification process, which includes a patented physics process that gives the water unique properties.”
The release states that this was the brainchild of “Penta inventor and CEO William D. Holloway.”
That’s right: This man invented water.
Picture the scene. It’s late at night. William D. Holloway is sitting in his laboratory, thinking. Suddenly he has an idea: “What if I combined one atom of oxygen with … two atoms of hydrogen? It seems crazy, but it just might work!”
How do the athletes feel about Penta-brand water?
The press release quotes U.S. water polo player Brenda Villa as saying, in the frank and totally believable style of speech that people use in press releases: “With our crazy schedule, quality drinking water is essential in our daily life, so it is natural and very beneficial to have a water sponsor like Penta.”
As an American, I am going to drink 75 gallons right now.
Speaking of which: The Official Soft Drink of the Entire Olympics is Coca-Cola (or, as it is referred to in the metric system, “Pepsi”). The Official Junk Food is McDonald’s. The Official Credit Card That Is The Only Card You Can Use At The Olympics Which Annoys Everybody is Visa. The Official Beer is Heineken, although Budweiser is the “Official Malt Beverage Partner” of the U.S. team.
This is something I find myself saying a lot at the Olympics, as in, “I’ll have a malt beverage, partner.”