The Olympics were canceled Sunday after the authorities determined that everybody involved, including the guy who shoots the starting pistol, is on drugs.
OK, it’s not that bad. But it’s not good either. There have been many subtle yet disturbing signs that the use of performance-enhancing substances is widespread:
– Urine samples routinely burst into flames.
– Both the track and the field are littered with syringes.
– Slow-motion videotape analysis of sprint races has shown that some top runners are using as many as five legs.
– One boat in the two-man dinghy sailing event was clocked at 114 m.p.h.
– The gold medal in the equestrian jumping event was won by a Swiss athlete who, tests later showed, did not use a horse.
– Bob Costas has gained 85 pounds of muscle.
Every day more top athletes are expelled for drug violations. This has taken its toll on the quality of the competition, as dramatically evidenced by the men’s high jump, where, even at the lowest height, none of the competitors could get over the bar, forcing officials to award the gold medal based on a limbo competition. (The winner was Bob Costas.)
But before you get too cynical about the Olympics, let me stress that not all the athletes are taking performance-enhancing drugs. Some appear to be taking performance-reducing drugs. I refer here to the U.S. All-Star Billionaire Men’s Basketball Team.
There was a time when the U.S. always won in basketball. Sometimes, just to make it competitive, we’d send a team consisting of only four players to the Olympics, and they still kicked international butt.
But in this Olympics, our men have been playing like–to use the Greek word for it–tipiyokti.
First they lost to Puerto Rico, which is ridiculous, because Puerto Rico is basically the 51st state. It’s like losing to New Jersey.
But then they lost to Lithuania. Lithuania! I mean, I’m sure it’s a fine country and everything, but it has, what, 50 residents? I bet the Lithuanian gross national product is less than what the U.S. men’s basketball team spends per week on sneakers.
If we let Lithuania beat us in basketball, it’s only a matter of time before France does. And if that happens, we basically have no choice but to use nuclear missiles.
So I say that, in the interest of world peace, we stop messing around.
More Top Picks Best Matcha Tea Sets For Beginners
If our current basketball players can’t get the job done, let’s get some players who can.
Like, maybe we can buy the Latvian team. Or if there’s some Olympic rule against that, we could at least send in an American who knows how to win.
That’s right: I’m talking about Bob Costas.