Happy August!
That’s a phrase we don’t often hear. We look at our calendars, see 31 days without a single holiday and figure the month is empty. But traditional calendars don’t do August justice.
There are month-long holidays–August is Happiness Happens Month, National Inventors Month and Get Acquainted With New Zealand Kiwi Fruit Month.
There are weeklong holidays–Psychic Week (8/2-6) overlaps with National Fraud Awareness Week (8/4-10). I see great irony in my crystal ball …
On the 11th I’m going to serenade my sweetheart with “Love Me Tender,” recognizing both Elvis Week (8/7-16) and National Resurrect Romance Week (8/8-14).
There are daily holidays too. While celebrating Girlfriends Day (8/1) some boyfriends might have violated Respect For Parents Day (also 8/1).
On Aug. 2, we recognized the signing of the Declaration of Independence and, in a tribute to adorable Ben Franklin, National Pretty Is As Pretty Does Day.
The 3rd was Friendship Day, followed by Coast Guard Day on the 4th and, of course, Croatia’s Homeland Thanksgiving Day is today. Pass the ajvar!
Work Like A Dog Day (8/6) strangely coincides with Pamper Yourself Day. On the 7th of August I’ll head to my Jewel and buy barbecue supplies–it’s Hamburger Day and National Mustard Day. When the bagger at the checkout line asks “Paper or plastic?” I’ll respond with “Silk, please.” (It’s also Particularly Preposterous Packaging Day.)
Some parts of the world call the 8th of August Sneak Some Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor’s Porch Night. Some parts of America call that Get Shot By Your Neighbor Night.
The 9th is the International Day Of The World’s Indigenous People. I can’t decide if I should applaud or apologize.
If you hear more people than normal humming “Hungry Like the Wolf” on the 10th, don’t be alarmed–it’s National Duran Duran Appreciation Day! In Missouri the 10th also is Admission Day. In that spirit, I’ll admit I was a fan of the “Rio” album.
Expect to hear more double entendres from Whoopi Goldberg on the 11th–Presidential Joke Day. Vinyl Record Day follows soon after, which is then followed by International Left-hander’s Day on Friday the 13th. Good luck with those scissors, lefties.
International Nagging Day and National Garage Sale Day share the 14th. “You priced this lamp too low, Harold! The customers are going to think we’re idiots!”
The 15th is VJ Day, on which Americans honor WWII veterans who delivered Victory in Japan. It’s also National Relaxation Day. Parents out there should take a load off. They’ll need the rest for the next 24 hours: It’s Stay Home With Your Kids Day.
Hit the beach the on the 17th, Sandcastle Day, then find an open-mic night at a local bookstore and prepare to laugh–the 18th is Bad Poetry Day. Charter a plane on Aviation Day (8/19) and fly to the Little League Baseball World Series (8/20). Make your pet dog or cat feel guilty on Homeless Animals Day (8/21). And then get a little crazy during National Punctuation Day (8/22)!!!
Virgo begins on the 23rd. Horoscope followers can use this day to stop following horoscopes and join the real world. Ukraine remembers its independence the following day, so reheat the leftover ajvar.
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I will Kiss And Make Up on the 25th, celebrate Women’s Equality on the 26th and send a posthumous birthday wish to Mother Teresa on the 27th. If I get called to work on Saturday the 28th, I’ll remember that it’s Crackers Over The Keyboard Day.
Calling potheads/high blood-pressure sufferers! The 29th is More Herbs, Less Salt Day.
The month ends with two scary holidays–the Chinese Festival Of Hungry Ghosts (8/30) and Love Litigating Lawyers Day (8/31). As the son and brother of attorneys, I’ll be celebrating that one. So sue me.
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