When an advance proof of the book “How to Remodel a Man” hit my desk, I huffed and tossed it aside. Then a male colleague happened by, picked it up and said, “Why aren’t there books for us that go the other way?”
We both simply had accepted the title at face value. This is the kind of book a man would expect to see, because at any moment there is a committee of women holding long meetings for the sole purpose of trying to “fix” him.
The book turned out to be Rocky Mountain News columnist W. Bruce Cameron’s latest take on how funny life is. But the fact that two not-totally-stupid guys assumed the title to be serious says something.
For our whole lives, women have been trying to “fix” us, and we never knew we were broken, other than in the way a horse is broken by a cowboy using ropes, spurs and serious attitude. All the popular media–it’s Oprah boilerplate–are littered with examples of male foibles and what women should do to make men better.
So it occurred to me that men have been given scant guidance on how to fix women. Perhaps this is because men see women as so hopelessly unbending that to try would be folly, resulting in more ardent attempts to fix men. But let’s give it a shot. We’ll start with fashion hints.
If your gut is not your best feature (and if it’s correctly called a gut, it’s not your best feature), don’t wear clothing that puts it on display. It’s like drawing an arrow on your face to point out a zit.
When in high heels, don’t wear pants so long that they cover the shoe and show only the last inch or so of the little pole. It looks like you’re Mrs. Captain Hook walking around on peg legs. Men will think you are about to fall.
Apparently there are two ways to apply eye makeup: one for viewing within 5 feet and one for longer distance. Here’s how a man can tell. He’ll see a woman across the room with what look like intriguing cat eyes. He heads in that direction–smooth, like a dancer.
Ten feet, great! Seven feet, nice! Four feet, what the . . . ? Suddenly that “cat-eye” effect looks like alien space designs up close, so much so that the man’s first words are, “You know, I think you screwed up your makeup. I’ll cover for you if you want to run to the bathroom.”
My suggestion for women: If you want to get within 5 feet of a man, go with the standard shadings, not cat hieroglyphics. This could very well be why men don’t call the next day.
This one is totally out of left field, but I’ll float it anyway: Breast display will result in breast attention. If you would prefer to be known for something else–humor or kindness, for instance–try displaying that instead.
This, of course, is not a problem in primitive cultures where breasts are a normal body part. But here we ration access, and men would stare at water if they were rarely allowed to see it.
Whew, that felt good. Shall we try some demeanor refinement?
If you have a problem about something, just say it. This is far preferable to falling silent for several days while the male tries to guess what you think he did wrong. This works, of course, only if you want to solve the problem instead of milking it for drama.
If you expect to use hormones as an excuse for female behavior, then you have to accept hormones as an excuse for male behavior.
One note, guys. After you make these suggestions, run or you will be “fixed.”
———-
Send e-mail for Ross Werland to [email protected]
More Top Picks Electronics