The folks behind the “Left Behind” series — those novels based on Christian prophecies about the end of the world — have announced “The Left Behind Mobile Prophecies,” coming to a cell phone near you. What better time for the Tempo Subcommittee on Wireless Worship to issue its report on uses for this breakthrough technology that we’d like to see:
– HOTLINE TO GOD: Hit *1 after hearing a particularly alarming prophesy — say, an earthquake on Wacker Drive — and you’ll be connected straight to the Big Guy Himself. And for just $250,000 a minute (not including roaming charges).
– W.W.J.D.: As in “What Would Jesus Dial?” Certainly not anything with three 6s in a row.
– INCOMING TEXT MESSAGES FEATURING “NEW” COMMANDMENTS 11-26. All of these cover cell phone etiquette, beginning with “Thou shalt keep thy @#%$# public conversations to thyself.”
– LEFT BEHIND CLAPPER CELL PHONE: So you think that without your cell phone, you don’t have a prayer? Wrongo. Just clasp your hands together … then clap. It’s just the thing to do when you think your phone has been “left behind.”
– “END CHIMES” RING TONES: Add a lift to your day with selections such as “category 5 hurricane,” “nuclear war,” “swarm of killer bees” and that most apocalyptic sign of all, “CUBS WIN WORLD SERIES!”