Forget the legal troubles surrounding that Bulls mascot. His biggest offense was showing up in public without his Bulls head on.
That’s a mascot no-no.
Still, the recent arrest cast a dark cloud over mascots setting an example for kids who dream of someday growing up to be over 7 feet tall with huge teeth and a body covered in synthetic fuzz.
Just look at Michigan State’s Sparty, who took first place in the mascot competition at Universal Cheer Association/Universal Dance Association College Nationals by doing a 90-second routine called “Sparty Loves the ’80s.”
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The mascot wore an off-the-shoulder “Flashdance” sweatshirt.
He performed to the music of M.C. Hammer, Michael Jackson and–yes–New Kids on the Block.
There was also a giant Rubik’s Cube.
I am not making this up. I wish I were making this up. But I could never make this up.
Still, let’s give Sparty this much: He knows the proper way to get fired up.
MORE MASCOTS: When asked in a playboy.com interview to describe his ideal woman, the University of Minnesota mascot Goldy the Golden Gopher said, “I’d say athletic. Absolutely beautiful. Probably from Minnesota. But just so you know, I don’t discriminate against girls from other schools. For instance, I hate Michigan, but I do like their cheerleaders.”
AISLE SEAT: A part of you feels a little bad about joining the rest of Chicago and riding Bulls center Eddy Curry’s butt for being out of shape until you realize, hey, there’s plenty of room back here, so hop on.
NAME TAGS: The White Sox agreed to terms on minor-league contracts with pitchers Vic Darensbourg, Mike Jackson, Robert Person and Jose Santiago, infielders Mike Bell, Kelly Dransfeldt and Bobby Smith and outfielder Marvin Benard. So look for their booth at SoxFest.
LOST IN TRANSLATION: Shingo Takatsu, the 34-year-old Japanese pitcher the White Sox signed, is nicknamed “Mr. Zero,” because he’s never given up an earned run in the Japan’s version of the World Series.
Weird.
Billy Koch has never given up an earned run in our World Series, and some call him a zero too.
PAYTON’S PLACE: So with this whole Sean Payton thing, did the Oakland Raiders just pull a Chicago Bears?
WHO NEEDS ONE? A proposal may let international soccer players use earpieces to communicate with coaches, and another proposal asks to extend their halftime periods so they can sell more beer and food. Cut the red tape, combine the proposals, and let the players on the field finally order a beer and a brat.
TIME BANDIT: Jesse Orosco, the 46-year-old reliever who was baseball’s oldest player last year, is retiring after 24 seasons so he can spend more time with his great-grandchildren.
WHAT ELSE IS ON? This Super Bowl has the potential to be one of the most boring ever, though Britney and Pink showing up as gladiators helps some.
So, New England’s Bill Belichik, a hobbit of a coach, gets two full weeks to plan a way to stop a Panthers offense that is workmanlike on its best days? Belichick bottled up the high-octane Rams the last time the Patriots made it this far. Expect even worse.
STACKING THE DECK: Members of the winning Super Bowl team get $68,000 apiece this year, and members of the Carolina Panthers get $36,500 apiece.
IMPORTS: OutKast, Christina Aguilera and Nelly Furtado joined the lineup for next month’s NBA All-Star Game. Please, somebody make it stop.
LOADED QUESTION: That Flyers fan that fell into the penalty box while taunting Maple Leafs tough guy Tie Domi wants a rematch. Second rule of Fight Club: Don’t pick a fight with the NHL’s No. 4 all-time leader in penalty minutes.
THE TRANSLATOR
They say it there, it comes out here . . .
“Athletics play such an important role in our society, but
unfortunately, some in professional sports are not setting much of an example.”
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–President Bush in his State of the Union speech to Congress
The Translation: “You can’t legislate moral behavior, but we can look into trading the Portland Trail Blazers to Mexico.”
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