Here’s 2004, seen through a cracked crystal ball:
Monday: The Illinois High School Association announces it will allow Hales Franciscan, banned from the Class A basketball tournament for rules violations, to defend its state title after all, but only after making coaches play a round of IHSA trivia. Hales gets the final OK after head coach Gary London correctly states that executive director Marty Hickman participated in the inaugural state football playoffs in 1974. “It was a lucky guess,” a relieved London says. “I didn’t think that pencil pusher even knew what a locker room was.”
Jan. 23: Bears general manager Jerry Angelo hires former Westinghouse and Proviso West basketball coach Chris Head to replace Dick Jauron as head coach. “After Dick’s placid approach, I think we need a more fiery leader,” Angelo says. “I understand this Head fellow has a bit of a temper.”
Feb. 15: McDonald’s All-American Game officials stun the basketball world by announcing Naperville Central’s Candace Parker will compete in the boys game rather than in the girls game March 31 in Oklahoma City. “Why not?” selection committee chairman Morgan Wootten says. “Candace can dunk, which is all anyone cares about in these games anyway. Plus she’ll probably be the only player who can hit a 10-foot jump shot.”
Feb. 26: Chicago’s Brandon Backscreen scores 74 points in an 8th-grade basketball game. The following day his father, Harry, starts a Web site extolling his son’s ability, and ESPN schedules an upcoming game for a nationwide telecast. “Fans are demanding it,” an ESPN spokesman says in response to criticism the network has exploited increasingly younger players since its LeBron James telecasts. “Besides, this kid is only five years away from the pros.”
March 10: Brandon Backscreen scores 52 points in his ESPN debut in front of an overflow crowd that includes 28 player agents, 12 NBA scouts and 67 Chicago Public League and Catholic League coaches. An Illinois High School Association official catches 43 coaches slipping their cell-phone numbers to Harry Backscreen and his wife, Agnes. “But we weren’t recruiting,” a coach says. “We were just trying to get Agnes’ great recipe for lasagna.”
March 31: Parker is named co-MVP of the McDonald’s All-American boys basketball game after she produces 12 points, five rebounds and seven assists. “OK, those aren’t stupendous numbers,” a spokesman admits, “but she’s the first player to pass the ball in this game in eight years.”
April 27: The IHSA board of directors rejects a recommendation from its football advisory committee to assign private school teams to state playoff classes based on double those schools’ enrollments. It decides instead to double the yardage on private school teams’ penalties. “Hey, these private coaches can recruit up to 30 miles from their campuses, so what’s 30 yards for a personal foul?” a public school coach says.
June 24: U.S. District Court Judge Harry Onsides throws out the rule preventing a player from entering the NFL until three years after he leaves high school. “The worst that will happen is players will be rich and act goofy,” Onsides writes in his opinion. “It has worked OK for Britney Spears.”
July 8: The IHSA announces that the statewide school financial crisis has forced 176 schools to drop their football programs and another 112 to co-op with a neighboring school. Hickman suspends 72 more teams from the state playoffs for rules violations. He once again denies cracking down on cheaters, attributing the suspensions to improved bookkeeping procedures.
July 15: The IHSA cuts the number of football classes from eight to four. “We’ve only got 196 football teams left,” Hickman says. The IHSA board rejects a request from the football advisory committee to increase the number of classes to 196.
Aug. 27: In a rematch of last November’s Class 8A title game, Lockport quarterback Jake Christensen throws for 417 yards and seven touchdowns to 361 yards and six TDs for Maine South’s Sean Price in a 55-45 Lockport victory. Afterward Bears coach Chris Head utilizes a recent court ruling to offer Christensen a six-year, $20 million contract. “I want to win now, and this kid has had more experience in a sophisticated passing offense lately than Rex Grossman could dream of,” Head says.
Nov. 27: The state football playoffs end with private schools winning all four titles. In an emergency meeting, the IHSA board of directors quells a revolt among public school coaches by voting to give private schools only four points for a TD in future playoff games. “If that doesn’t work, we’ll make them punt on second down,” a director confides.
Dec. 20: ESPN, pleased by a 3.6 rating for its junior high basketball games, televises a contest between two Chicago-area preschools: Dribblers Academy and Our Lady of the Layup. Scalpers command $200 a ticket after agents discover the mother of one 4-year-old is 6 feet 2 inches tall. During the telecast, analyst Dick Vitale angers several players by referring to them as “diaper dandies.” “I am so potty trained,” one complains.
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