It was the Year of the Troubling Question.
The most troubling one was: What the heck happened to all those weapons of mass destruction that were supposed to be in Iraq? Apparently there was an intelligence mix-up. As CIA director George Tenet noted recently, “Our thinking now is that the weapons of mass destruction might actually be in that other one, whaddycallit, Iran. Or Michigan. We’re pretty sure the letter ‘i’ is involved.”
Some other troubling questions from 2003 were:
If Californians hated Gray Davis so much, why did they elect him governor TWICE? Did Gray have photos of the entire California electorate naked? Can we see them?
Why did Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck–whose sole achievement in 2003 was to co-star in “Gigli,” a film so bad it was used to torture suspected terrorists–receive more media attention than the entire continent of Asia, and nearly as much as Kobe Bryant?
Who’s watching all these “reality” TV shows? Nobody admits to watching them; everybody agrees they’re even stupider than those infomercials wherein Ron Popeil spends 30 minutes liquefying vegetables to the rapturous delight of a live, if half-witted, audience. And yet “reality” shows keep getting ratings. Who are the viewers? Have houseplants learned to operate remote controls?
Can young people wear their pants any lower? Their waistbands are now at approximately knee level. Where will this trend end? The shins? The feet? Will young people eventually detach themselves from their pants altogether and just drag them along behind, connected to their ankles by a belt?
We don’t know the answers to any of these questions. All we know is that 2003 is finally, we hope, over. But before we move on, let’s put our heads between our knees and take one last look back at this remarkable year, which started, as is so often the case, with:
JANUARY
Traditional New Year’s Day celebrations are held all over the world, except at the Central Intelligence Agency, which, acting on what it believes to be accurate information, observes Thanksgiving.
On a brighter note, President Bush announces a plan to boost the sagging U.S. economy via a two-pronged stimulus package consisting of (1) visiting Crawford, Texas; and (2) prayer.
Meanwhile, a claim by the Raelians, a UFO cult, that they have produced a human clone baby named Eve, is increasingly viewed with skepticism by scientists. “Having looked at their so-called evidence,” state the scientists, “we strongly suspect that the clone baby is actually named Rachel.”
In medical news, researchers studying heart-attack victims announce that a person who drinks a glass or two of wine or beer is, quote, “significantly more likely to do the Macarena.”
World tension mounts when North Korea announces that it is withdrawing from the nuclear non-proliferation treaty, on the grounds that it’s really hard to pronounce “proliferation.” Faced with clear-cut evidence that the North Koreans are actively developing weapons of mass destruction, President Bush vows to determine whether North Korea “is located anywhere near Iraq.”
In politics, Rep. Harold Farnwimble of Ohio becomes the only Democratic member of Congress to formally declare that he is not running for president. He immediately surges ahead in the polls.
On the technological front, a fast-spreading “worm” virus cripples Internet e-mail traffic, briefly bringing the international penis-enlargement industry to a halt.
FEBRUARY
U.S. coalition-building efforts are dealt a severe blow when France announces that it will not participate in the impending Iraq invasion, a decision that, in the words of Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, “could seriously impair our ability to surrender.”
American citizens show their disdain for all things French by boycotting French wine, calling French fries “freedom fries,” and taking showers.
Elsewhere in the War on Terror, the Department of Homeland Security urges Americans to stock up on food, water, flashlights, duct tape and plastic sheeting. Within hours, Al Qaeda surrenders, stating: “We cannot fight flashlights AND duct tape.”
In entertainment news, Rachel the imaginary UFO cult baby is signed to do a “reality” TV show.
In yet another indication of the nation’s worsening obesity crisis, a new medical study concludes that Americans are now so fat that “they are causing tides.”
Late in the month, a massive “Storm of the Century” blizzard batters the Northeast with icy blasts and holds the region in its wintry grip, blanketing New England with white stuff as emergency crews struggle to keep the news media supplied with weather cliches.
MARCH
As it becomes clear that an Iraqi invasion is imminent and war is at hand, Democrats in Congress, setting aside partisan politics, pledge “total, unwavering and unconditional support” for the president and commander-in-chief, “unless anything bad happens.”
Saddam Hussein, in a last-ditch effort to stay in power, declares that he has been the victim of “identity theft,” and somebody else, using his name and Social Security number, has actually been running Iraq for the past two decades. In response, the United Nations Security Council, meeting in emergency session, votes 15-0 to continue patronizing expensive Manhattan restaurants.
On March 19, coalition forces attack Iraq; within days they control most of the southern part of the country and have taken many prisoners, including two of the three known Dixie Chicks. They do not immediately uncover any weapons of mass destruction, but do find a warehouse containing a large quantity of what is believed to be refined sugar, which CIA intelligence analysts note “is a leading cause of tooth decay.”
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APRIL
Coalition forces capture Baghdad, and hopes soar for a quick resolution to the conflict when a cheering Iraqi crowd topples a huge statue of Saddam. But these hopes are quickly dashed when, tragically, the statue fails to land on Geraldo.
Saddam himself is nowhere to be found, though he does release a videotape announcing plans to take his career “in a new direction,” possibly including a “reality” TV show called “Queer Eye for a Dictator Guy,” in which he will undergo a makeover by five gay men, who will then be executed.
On the Weapons of Mass Destruction front, coalition troops discover three barrels of lard, described by U.S. intelligence sources as “a heart attack waiting to happen.”
In other news, The New York Times suffers a credibility crisis when numerous stories by reporter Jayson Blair are found to contain inaccuracies, such as the assertion, in a story about the Washington-area sniper case, that the sun is carried across the sky by a giant turtle. (“In fact,” notes the Times, “it is the moon.”) Blair, thoroughly disgraced, is forced to accept a six-figure book contract.
MAY
President Bush lands on the aircraft carrier USS Abraham Lincoln off the coast of California and declares that major combat has ended. The jubilation is dampened somewhat when, moments after the president’s plane departs, the carrier is severely damaged by a car bomb.
On a more positive note, efforts to establish a Western-style democracy in Iraq move forward with the arrival, as consultants, of Florida election officials. Within hours the nation plunges back into chaos.
Elsewhere abroad, Chinese health authorities, stung by accusations that they have been slow in reacting to the SARS virus, announce that they will execute anybody who gets sick.
Florida becomes the most recent state to ban smoking in restaurants. California, determined to stay ahead of the trend, bans eating in restaurants.
In an inspiring story of courage, hiker Aron Ralston, trapped in a remote Utah canyon, frees himself by amputating his own right arm. Somehow he manages to fashion a tourniquet and hike back to civilization, where he is slapped with a $17 million negligence lawsuit by lawyers representing the arm.
JUNE
Hopes for peace in the Mideast soar when President Bush meets with Israeli and Palestinian leaders in a landmark summit, which goes really well until gunfire erupts over the seating arrangements.
Meanwhile, a political controversy brews over a little-noticed statement in the president’s January State of the Union address, in which he asserted that Iraq, under Saddam Hussein, was “located right next to Connecticut.” The CIA heatedly denies responsibility for the error, noting, “We clearly said Delaware.”
On the literary front, the blockbuster bestseller of the year is the long-awaited fifth Harry Potter book, “Harry Potter Reaches Puberty and Starts Taking Really Long Showers.” Another hot seller is Sen. Hillary Clinton’s new book, “I Can’t Help It If I’m a Saint,” in which, with great candor and openness, her ghostwriter reveals the most intimate details of Clinton’s life, except the parts that might be interesting. Clinton repeatedly denies that she plans to run for president, insisting that she is totally dedicated to “representing my constituents in, you know, that state.”
JULY
President Bush goes to Africa for a five-day visit that goes quite well, considering the fact that the president, relying on U.S. intelligence reports, is under the impression he is touring Switzerland.
Meanwhile, hopes for democracy dim in Iraq when the postwar governing council of Iraqi leaders, holding its first meeting, votes to hire James Carville.
In the Caribbean, the U.S. Coast Guard intercepts a group of Cubans attempting to travel from Cuba to Florida in a 1951 Chevrolet pickup truck. The Coast Guard arrests the Cubans and sinks the truck after a computer check shows that it has an expired registration. “Also,” states the Coast Guard, “they were not signaling lane changes.”
Domestically, the big news is in California, where–in a catastrophe long predicted by geologists–a violent tectonic shift opens a huge fault in the Earth’s crust, releasing a vast mutant horde of gubernatorial candidates. “It’s terrible!” reports one rescue worker. “There’s porn stars, washed-out actors, strippers, fanatics, lunatics, and somebody named ‘Cruz Bustamante.’ ” Federal troops are ordered into the state, where they immediately become stuck in traffic.
In sports, Lance Armstrong wins a record-tying fifth Tour de France and celebrates, as is traditional, by having his bicycle seat surgically removed from his butt.
AUGUST
On a quiet weekday morning in rural northern Ohio, 83-year-old widow Eileen Freemonkle decides that, for a change, she will put two Pop-Tarts into her toaster, instead of her usual one. This rogue action, never anticipated by the designers of the nation’s electrical power grid, sets off a chain of events that ultimately blacks out the entire Northeast. Rescue crews work overtime trying to keep people in the affected areas supplied with news about the developing Kobe Bryant situation.
In Iraq, U.S. troops capture a cousin of Saddam Hussein known as “Chemical Ali”; a search of his person fails to uncover any weapons of mass destruction, but he is carrying a Bic pen that, as CIA analysts are quick to note, “could poke out somebody’s eye.”
Mars makes its closest approach to Earth in human history, prompting Arnold Schwarzenegger to declare, to Jay Leno, that he is running for governor of California. In other political news, Howard Dean emerges as the leading Democratic presidential candidate, thanks to a novel Internet fundraising strategy in which he pretends to be a wealthy Nigerian businessman.
In the arts, Madonna, demonstrating the courage, creativity and talent that have made her name synonymous with the word “Madonna,” kisses Britney Spears. This results in a worldwide tidal wave of publicity, followed by the emergence, on both performers, of lip sores.
SEPTEMBER
Palestinian and Israeli leaders finally recover the Road Map to Peace, only to discover that, while they were looking for it, the Lug Nuts of Mutual Interest came off the Front Left Wheel of Accommodation, causing the Sport Utility Vehicle of Progress to crash into the Ditch of Despair.
Meanwhile, President Bush goes before the UN General Assembly to ask for help in rebuilding Iraq. After enjoying a hearty international laugh, everyone adjourns for dinner at upscale Manhattan restaurants.
In domestic politics, Gen. Wesley Clark joins the crowded field of Democratic contenders and declares that, if he is elected president, his first official act would be “to actually register as a Democrat.”
In the War On Telemarketing, a federal judge in Oklahoma blocks the implementation of the federal Do Not Call list on the grounds that it is unconstitutional. Hours later, he reverses the ruling on the grounds that his house is surrounded by people with torches.
OCTOBER
The people of California, by a large majority, vote to send incumbent governor Gray Davis back to his pod. They replace him with Arnold Schwarzenegger, who announces that he will appoint a stunt governor to handle the tasks that he is physically unable to perform, such as pronouncing words.
In other California news, fires rage out of control in large sectors of the state, destroying hundreds of homes and an estimated 27,000 Starbucks.
In Washington, Congress approves President Bush’s request for $87 billion to Iraqify Iraq, so that it will be more Iraq-like. The money will also be used for the War on Terror, including $23.99 to pay for what is described as “a complete overhaul” of the U.S. intelligence community’s Magic Eight Ball.
Conservative radio talk-show host Rush Limbaugh shocks his millions of listeners when, confirming tabloid reports, he reveals on his popular syndicated show that he is, biologically, a woman. He promises to get treatment.
In immigration news, federal agents in 21 states descend on Wal-Mart stores that are allegedly employing illegal immigrants; the agents emerge hours later, glassy-eyed, holding bags filled with hundreds of dollars’ worth of bargains but unable to remember what they went in there for in the first place.
NOVEMBER
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A big political stink erupts over adding drug benefits to Medicare, with Republicans and Democrats battling fiercely to see who can pander the hardest to the crucial senior-citizen voting bloc without letting the other voting blocs figure out how much they will have to pay. The Republicans prevail with the help of the AARP; some AARP members attempt to burn their membership cards in protest, but are unable to work those newfangled childproof cigarette lighters.
In a move that outrages traditionalists, Massachusetts legalizes gay marriage. California, not to be outdone, outlaws marriage between heterosexuals.
In entertainment news, CBS cancels the made-for-TV movie “The Reagans” after conservatives object to the portrayal of Ronald Reagan, who is played in the move by a heavily made-up Bette Midler. Similar charges are leveled against NBC for its movie about Jessica Lynch, who is forced to issue a statement stressing that, despite what the movie suggests, she had “nothing to do with raising the flag at Iwo Jima.”
In other news, pop superstar Michael Jackson again finds himself in legal trouble when authorities in Santa Barbara order him fingerprinted and booked on charges of “extreme creepiness, even for California.” Jackson’s attorney expresses outrage, telling a press conference that his client “doesn’t even HAVE fingerprints.”
DECEMBER
The month’s biggest surprise occurs when U.S. troops finally capture a filthy and bedraggled Saddam Hussein hiding in a hole along with 11 members of the cast of the CBS reality show “Survivor: Iraq.” The former dictator immediately hires attorney Johnnie Cochran, who reveals that his defense strategy will be based on the legal argument: “If there’s no WMD, you must set him free.”
In a move that concerns legal scholars, the U.S. Supreme Court announces that it is switching to a new “reality” TV format, called “Who Wants To Be A Justice?” in which ordinary citizens will help the court decide cases. In its first decision, the court, by an 11-9 vote, raises the national speed limit to 140 miles per hour.
In a medical breakthrough, a Houston-based team of surgeons, working for 17 hours in a risky, first-of-its-kind operation, are able to separate a 21-year-old woman from her cellular telephone. She expires within hours, but doctors report that the phone is stable, and they expect its condition to improve dramatically “once it finds a new host.”
Finally, in a heartwarming story of the season, on New Year’s Eve U.S. military radar detects a mysterious object streaking across the sky. A telescopic investigation reveals that the object is what NASA describes as “a heavily modified” 1953 Ford pickup truck, driven by Cuban refugees, apparently bound for the moon.
Here’s hoping they make it. Here’s also hoping that 2004 is a wonderful year, or at least better than 2003.
Which shouldn’t be hard.