Dear Cheryl: I’ve been married for almost 10 years and have two small children. My question is: How does one know when it is time to leave?
I’ve always worked; my husband quit his job about two years ago because he was very unhappy. After one year of his being unemployed (and my doing most of the looking for a new job and e-mailing of his resume), dwindling savings and no money coming in from his work-at-home schemes, I told him he had to go back to school. He did and is due to graduate soon. He’s gotten straight A’s and glowing recommendations from his teachers. However, he’s very unmotivated to look for work.
When I ask how he will go about it, I get vague answers. He hasn’t even seen the career counselor at school.
To top it off, he’s depressed and sees a therapist, which seems to help but he refuses to take any medication, which I think would be helpful.
I keep holding onto a perhaps foolish hope that he will graduate and get a great job, which will enable me to stop working for a while so I can spend more time with the kids, take care of the house and work on my thesis. (I’m a part-time student too.) But I’m afraid I’m stuck with this guy who just doesn’t want to do anything. We went to couples counseling before, but he always turned it into a “Poor me, my life’s so hard” session.
Meanwhile, I’m the one who comes home from a job I don’t really like to a messy house and has to immediately start doing housework and take care of the kids because he’s so “tired” from his day. Then he spends the night parked in front of the TV. I’m tired of it. I admit he’s great with the kids, but he does absolutely no housework. What would other women do? Am I a chump to stay with him? I hate being angry most of the time.
— Enough Is Enough, I Think
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Dear Enough Is Enough, I Think: I think it’s time to give this guy some ultimatums. No. 1: He contacts his career counselor, takes over the responsibility of sending out his resumes and finds a job. Maybe not his dream job, but a job that pays money and gets him out of the house. No. 2: He gets serious about his therapy. Visit his therapist with him and find out if he should be on medication and then insist that he take it. No. 3: See a counselor with him, a good one whom he can’t manipulate, and get him to articulate his goals. Does he want to work? Or does he really prefer being a househusband? And can you live with that? If he’s not willing to do these things, and you’re not willing to continue to support him and keep on as you’ve been, then it’s time.
Dear Readers: We recently heard from Eau de Desperation Is Not a Good Scent. He was a good-looking 25-year-old guy who was extremely nervous around girls. I suggested a seven-prong plan that included talking to strangers, making friends with women, working out at a co-ed gym, subscribing to a news magazine, enrolling in a public speaking class, evaluating his career and joining a co-ed sports team. Here’s another good suggestion:
Hank: “Martial arts training will cover a good number of the things you suggested: working out, meeting new people, building confidence, engaging in a group activity. It’s one of the things that parents should consider for their children, as it instills discipline and a host of other character traits that successful people need. I’ve seen whining losers and pasty-faced couch potatoes become totally different people over the course of a few years. Though 90 percent drop out after six months, those who stick it out gain so much that it’s difficult to describe.”
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