Tomorrow is Christmas and, all through the land, homes will resound with the joyous noises of torn wrapping paper and ripped uncles.
In honor of this event, my husband and I present the “12 Rules of Christmas.” He wrote these for the first holiday we celebrated with both our families, a heartwarming tradition that began with the birth of our older son and may have concluded with the Great Stomach Flu epidemic of 2002.
Note: I have edited and updated these rules to eliminate obscenities and outdated cultural references and to deflect embarrassment to relatives who live out of town and are, thus, unlikely to read them.
12. As per usual, all Scotch tape shall be steamed off packages and returned to its rightful place on the roll.
11. Anyone opening a present out of turn shall be punished by moving down three places in the order. The three behind him each move up one place, unless one of those lower in the order is more senior than one of those higher, in which case the senior person moves up to the first of the three vacated places while the junior person moves to the last. The Keeper of the Order is the person left holding the eggnog.
10. Management does not give a hoot about the way your family does it at home.
9. All gift recipients shall pretend to be uninterested in the dollar amount of gift certificates and/or whether or not there is a gift receipt inside the box.
8. To all children under the age of 12: No fighting. The adults in this room never fought at your approximate ages, no matter what you may have heard about your aunt’s scratched cornea.
7b. Presents wrapped in red shall be opened with a delicate flourish of the right hand, pinkie facing outward. Other presents may be opened however you want or not opened at all.
More Top Picks Signs Of Dyslexia In Second And Third Grade
7a. There is no No. 7a.
6. Any gift that emits the sound of music, gunfire or sirens in a high, electronic tone will be buried in the back yard. We hope this will not affect your Christmas.
5. No, you have not heard these versions of these carols 23 times already this holiday.
4. And, no, you cannot switch the music to the OutKast CD you just received.
3. Foul language, offensive gestures, or bodily emanations shall result in the temporary banishment of the offender. This is true for all except whatever infants may be present, whose bodily emanations shall be endlessly celebrated by their parents as evidence of their adorability.
2.What the heck is myrrh?
1. As you contemplate how you are going to get a store credit at Banana Republic for that sweater your second cousin obviously pulled from a pile at the thrift store, you also may wish to spend a few moments thinking of others this holiday season.
If you’d like, clip the coupon below for the baiduhai Holiday Campaign and send it in with a donation. The campaign has a rule of its own: Every penny goes directly to the charitable organizations it supports.