There’s a reason nobody ever wrote a song about a hug being just a hug. It’s the same reason why sometimes we pause uncertainly on the cusp of a hug, wondering whether we’re doing the right thing in giving it.
It’s because a hug isn’t just a hug. A hug means something. At airports. At reunions. A hug communicates something. Even the briefest one encapsulates more touch, more skin than 100 kisses.
They can be wonderful or they can be weird, and we’ll probably experience both during the next few weeks, in what could be called Hug Season.
The holidays are a time of parties and potlucks, of intimate gatherings of friends and huge gala fundraisers. And at each one there will be hugs. Greeting hugs, good-news hugs, farewell hugs.
We’ll endure a multitude of hugginess, and not just because it’s a huggy time of year and people are filled with benevolent feelings. In our increasingly casual society, hugs have become not only acceptable in most social situations but almost expected.
Which complicates the Hug Quandary. Specifically, how do we know when to hug? And whom to hug? And the sort of hug to give?
And how can we avoid that horrible, jerky lurching that leads to clumsy hugs, when both people feel compelled to hug . . . but aren’t sure they should?
Ill at ease
Awkward huggers have gone before us and laid a foundation for us to follow.
The first thing to do, said Lydia Ramsey, a business etiquette expert in Savannah, Ga., and author of “Manners That Sell,” is to spend several minutes in a new social situation just watching. See what everybody else is doing, especially the hosts–whom they’re hugging and how they’re hugging.
Use common sense, said Tina Tessina, a Long Beach, Calif., psychotherapist and author of “The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again.” Unless you’ve just been through a catastrophic event together, you probably shouldn’t hug strangers.
People who work together should be careful. Bosses probably should avoid full-body hugs, Ramsey said. And clearly, a hug for a co-worker at the holiday party doesn’t mean hugs at work the following Monday.
If possible, Tessina said, find out as much as possible about the people who will be at the gathering. Knowing whether someone grew up in an affectionate, hugging family and therefore hugs everyone, or whether the person comes from a more reserved background or is shy about hugging can minimize those embarrassing moments.
Let your friendship with a person determine the type of hug you give, Ramsey said. Obviously, hugging isn’t an issue between best friends, but more casual acquaintances shouldn’t go for the long, full-body hug.
“Keep in mind that you still want to maintain a little bit of distance, you want to maintain some space between the two of you,” Ramsey said. “You don’t want body-to-body, skin-to-skin, so keeping that kind of distance, 6 or 8 inches, seems more comfortable.”
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Quick, friendly
It also should be a brief, friendly hug, since lingering can lead to awkwardness.
For clumsy huggers (you know who you are), there’s no harm in practicing before a social occasion, Tessina said. She advised practicing with a good friend or family member beforehand–going over the approach, how to go into a hug smoothly, how to position it and how long to hold it.
It also helps for self-conscious huggers to realize that others aren’t dwelling on hugging nuances.
If a full hug still seems uncomfortable, there are other ways of expressing affection or regard for a person, Tessina said. One arm around the shoulders or a two-handed handshake can convey warmth, but both are more casual and less committed than a hug.
But because hugs have become so much the thing, choosing to be hug-free can be tough. As humans, we crave that physical contact, and now we’re more at liberty to give it.
“It feels great and it’s an intimate gesture,” Tessina said. Hugs “make us feel particularly warm or connected to a person. They’re comforting.”
– – –
Highlighting some of the styles
I Like You, But I Don’t, You Know, Like You
a.k.a.: The A-Frame
Spotted at: Office holiday parties, high school reunions, jovial lunches with people trying to sell each other something.
Directions: Bend at the waist, maintaining a foot between you and the other person, whom you hug loosely around the shoulders and either squeeze slightly or pat three times; preceded by cries of “Heeeeey!” and “How are you?”
Duration: Two seconds–long enough to convey sincerity but not so long that it’s, you know, weird.
Eeew! Cooties!
a.k.a.: The Bounce
Spotted at: Unplanned encounters with an ex and his/her new spouse, the end of a slow dance in the middle-school gym, Elks Lodge meetings where the bonds of brotherhood seem to call for more than a handshake.
Directions: Clasp the other person fully but so quickly that you practically bounce off him/her. Avoid eye contact afterward.
Duration: 0.2 seconds
I Am So Not Drunk, I Totally Do Love You
a.k.a.: The Kegger
Spotted at: Fraternity/sorority parties, wedding receptions, last call, the side of a squad car before the handcuffs go on.
Directions: Stagger into your “beloved” and hold on for dear life; possibly cry.
Duration: Long enough to stop seeing double and make extravagant, stage-whispered promises to (A) love the other person forever ‘n ever, (B) do something really kinky or (C) clean up the barf.
Dude
a.k.a.: The Heterosexual
Spotted at: The Final Four, Home Depot, poker night, the beginning of a bachelor party.
Directions: Only guys should attempt this hug. Start with a handshake and, still clasping hands, take one step closer and wrap the left arm around the other guy’s shoulders. Firmly pound several times with a closed fist.
Duration: Long enough to dislodge a few ribs and convey a deep, deep love for women.
Your Openness and Honesty Moved Me
a.k.a.: The Iron John
Spotted at: Vegetarian potlucks, Rainbow Family gatherings, group therapy, stores that sell comfortable European walking shoes.
Directions: Clasp the other person so tightly that your clothes fuse together from ankle to neck, close your eyes, breathe deeply, rock gently side to side.
Duration: Too long …
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I Haven’t Seen You
Since You Were This Tall!
a.k.a.: The Aunt Betty
Spotted at: Family reunions, funerals, graduations, the sort of holiday meals that end in manic laughter or bitter tears.
Directions: Shout, “Come over here right now and give me a hug!” to a cringing young relative, pin his/her arms to his/her sides and squeeze tight.
Duration: Eternity.
Darling, Have You Lost Weight?
a.k.a.: The Socialite
Spotted at: The Palm Beach Publix during Season, any event that could be called a soiree or gala, plastic surgeons’ waiting rooms, stores with no price tags.
Directions: Gently clasp the other person’s upper arms, lean in and brush cheeks in a wispy simulation of the European double-cheek kiss; except for the arms, never actually touch the other person.
Duration: Long enough to check labels, count wrinkles or stick in the knife.
Oh, How I Hate Her
a.k.a.: The Miss America
Spotted at: Drag-queen pageants, sorority functions, Junior League holiday bazaars, the MAC counter at Saks.
Directions: Standing 2 feet from target, lean forward with butt sticking out, loosely wrap both arms around her shoulders and press one cheek to hers. Assume camera-ready, dazzling expression. Assume she’s doing same.
Duration: However long it takes to consider the feasibility of ripping out her hair.