There’s a reason nobody ever wrote a song about a hug being just a hug. It’s the same reason why we sometimes pause uncertainly on the cusp of a hug, wondering whether we’re doing the right thing in giving it.
It’s because a hug isn’t just a hug. A hug means something. At airports. At reunions. A hug communicates something. Even the briefest one encapsulates more touch, more skin than 100 kisses.
They can be wonderful or they can be weird, and we’ll probably experience both during the next few weeks, in what could be called Hug Season.
The holidays are a time of parties and potlucks, of intimate gatherings of friends and huge gala fundraisers. At each one there will be hugs. Greeting hugs, good-news hugs, farewell hugs.
We’ll endure a multitude of hugginess, and not just because it’s a huggy time of year and people are filled with benevolent feelings. In our increasingly casual society, hugs have become not only acceptable in most social situations, but almost expected.
Which complicates the Hug Quandary. Specifically, how do we know when to hug? And whom to hug? And the sort of hug to give?
And how can we avoid that horrible, jerky lurching that leads to clumsy hugs, when both people feel compelled to hug … but aren’t sure they should?
The first thing to do, said Lydia Ramsey, a business etiquette expert in Savannah, Ga., and author of “Manners That Sell,” is to spend several minutes in a new social situation just watching. See what everybody else is doing, especially the hosts–whom they’re hugging and how they’re hugging.
Use common sense, said Tina Tessina, a Long Beach, Calif., psychotherapist and author of “The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again.” Unless you’ve just been through a catastrophic event together, you probably shouldn’t hug strangers.
People who work together should be careful. Bosses probably should avoid full-body hugs, Ramsey said. And clearly, a hug for a co-worker at the holiday party doesn’t mean hugs at work the following Monday.
Let your friendship with a person determine the type of hug you give, Ramsey said. Obviously, hugging isn’t an issue between best friends, but more casual acquaintances shouldn’t go for the long, full-body hug.
Survival tactics for a variety of social hugging scenarios:
The scenario: You weren’t expecting a hug, but you got one anyway.
Awkwardness factor: 6
How to recover: DO NOT utter a startled “Oh!” or “Okaaay.” As soon as the hug is over, grasp one of the person’s shoulders, look in his/her eyes and say something really sincere, such as “I am so glad to see you” or “You don’t need plastic surgery.”
The scenario: An abhorrent person approaches you with outstretched arms. A hug seems inevitable.
Awkwardness factor: 4
How to recover: Go on the offensive. As the person nears, lock your elbows, brace your left hand against his/her right shoulder under the guise of a friendly squeeze. Grab his/her right hand in a hearty shake while exclaiming, “Long time, no see, buddy! How the hell are you?”
The scenario: You both went the same direction, hug-wise, and ended up bumping arms and lurching into each other. Your cheeks are perhaps touching.
Awkwardness factor: 10
How to recover: End the hug quickly, but grasp the other’s shoulders as you pull apart and say something funny to diffuse the embarrassment. Nothing will completely eradicate the likely mortification, but try these: “Long-time handshaker, first-time hugger. Ha ha.” Or, “These darn arms do nothing but get in the way. Ha ha.” Or, “Have we met? Ha ha.”
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Hug guide
Types of hugs to master for the holidays:
Darling, have you lost weight?
A.K.A.: The Socialite
Spotted at: Any event that could be called a soiree or gala, plastic surgeons’ waiting rooms, stores with no price tags.
Directions: Gently clasp other person’s upper arms, lean in and brush cheeks in a wispy simulation of the European double-cheek kiss.
Duration: Long enough to check labels, count wrinkles or stick in the knife.
I like you, but I don’t, you know, like you
A.K.A.: The A-Frame
Spotted at: Office holiday parties, high school reunions, lunches with people trying to sell something, the healthy break up of a short-term relationship.
Directions: Bend at the waist, maintaining a foot between you and the other person, whom you hug loosely around the shoulders and either squeeze slightly or pat three times; preceded by cries of “How are you?”
Duration: Two seconds–long enough to convey sincerity but not so long that it’s, you know, weird.
Eeew! Cooties!
A.K.A.: The Bounce
Spotted at: Unplanned encounters with an ex and his/her new spouse, Olympics medal ceremonies, Elks Lodge meetings where the bonds of brotherhood call for more than a handshake.
Directions: Clasp the other person fully but so quickly that you practically bounce off him/her. Avoid eye contact afterward.
Duration: 0.2 seconds
I am so not drunk, I totally do love you
A.K.A.: The kegger
Spotted at: Fraternity/sorority parties, wedding receptions, last call, the side of a squad car before the handcuffs go on.
Directions: Stagger into your “beloved” and hold on for dear life; possibly cry.
Duration: Long enough to stop seeing double and make extravagant, stage-whispered promises to a) love the other person forever ‘n’ ever, b) do something really kinky or c) clean up the barf.
Dude
A.K.A.: The heterosexual
Spotted at: The Final Four, Home Depot, the beginning of a bachelor party.
Directions: Only for guys. Start with a handshake and, still clasping hands, take one step closer and wrap the left arm around the other guy’s shoulders. Pound several times with a closed fist.
Duration: Long enough to dislodge a few ribs and convey a deep, deep love for women.
Your openness and honesty moved me
A.K.A.: The Iron John
Spotted at: Vegetarian potlucks, group therapy, stores that sell comfortable European walking shoes.
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Directions: Clasp the other person so tightly that your clothes fuse together, close your eyes, breathe deeply, rock gently side to side.
Duration: Too damn long …