The Braves agreed to pony up $48 million over the next six years to acquire Mike Hampton but haven’t made an offer to free agent Greg Maddux and won’t guarantee free agent Tom Glavine more than $18 million over two years. Either Braves GM John Schuerolz continues to know something the rest of us don’t or he’s being given subliminal messages while listening to recordings of “How to be a GM by Ed Lynch” in his sleep.
BIG HIRE: Congrats to former major league All-Star and White Sox infielder Joey Cora. The 5-foot-8, 152-pound ex-infielder was hired to manage Montreal’s Class-A Savannah Sand Gnats. He is also excited to be serving as bat boy.
WE’RE GONNA NEED A BIGGER BOAT: Who gets the credit for winning last year’s Race to Mackinac?
Is it Illusion’s owner, Chicago real-estate developer Jon Podmajersky, who says his name should be on the first-place trophies, or should it be crew member Robert Brandenburg, whose name was inscribed on the trophies by the race’s sponsor? Or should we dunk all involved into Lake Michigan a few times?
THEY’RE GOING TO METHUSELAH: Left-handed reliever Jesse Orosco, who turns 46 on April 21, has agreed to an $800,000, one-year contract with the San Diego Padres. The deal stipulates the Padres provide two season tickets for former teammate Mordecai “Three-Finger” Brown.
THE GANG’S ALL HERE: With more than 334,000 fans last Saturday, the Big Ten broke the 5 million mark in overall attendance this year, recording an all-time conference high of 5,122,054. That doesn’t include the 125,000 who will see the Buckeyes choke Saturday.
SPEAKING OF: Tickets for The Game against Michigan are going for upward of $1,000 a pair. Remember the good ol’ days when you could watch John Cooper’s teams fold for a lot less?
PICK A QB, ANY QB: Ex-Chicago Bear backup QB Danny Wuerffel will start for the Washington Redskins in place of ex-Chicago Bear backup QB Shane Matthews. There is a chance Wuerffel could share time with one-time possible Bears backup QB Patrick Ramsey. Before you laugh, please note: The Redskins are 4-6, the Bears are 2-8. Carry on.
IN THE PAINT: The struggling Memphis Grizzlies announced that any fan attending Wednesday’s game with a tattoo, no matter how small or large, will receive two tickets to an upcoming game. Anyone wearing a tutu gets to play point guard.
TIES THAT BIND: Major League Soccer is changing its playoff format so that teams that meet in the first round play a home-and-home series. The team scoring the most total goals wins. If the teams are tied, they play 30 minutes of sudden-death overtime. If they’re still tied, it’s penalty kicks. If they’re still tied, they call Judge Judy.
RING MASTER: Mike Tyson’s latest comeback starts Feb. 22 in Memphis. Too bad it wasn’t Wednesday, he could have scored free tickets to the Grizzlies game.
WORLD CHAMPION: Fernando Vargas was suspended for nine months and fined $100,000 for testing positive for an anabolic steriod after his loss to Oscar de la Hoya. De la Hoya’s victory unified the World Boxing Association and World Boxing Council titles. De la Hoya’s next bout will unite the WBC and UN Security Council belts.
THE TRANSLATOR: They say it there, it comes out here
“Coaches don’t forget how to coach in a year. Last year at this time we were 11-0 and played in the national championship game.”
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— Tom Osborne
Former Nebraska head coach on the struggles his successor Frank Solich has had going 7-5 and threatening the school’s 33-year streak of seasons with nine or more wins.
Translation: “When I use the term ‘we’, I don’t in any way imply that I am part of this Huskers team.”