Here is a theory about the decline of civilization: Everyone is so angry about people not having good manners that, in a backlash, most of us have given up on courtesy. Let’s hope that’s true, because if it’s not, we’ve all just become a bunch of jerks.
The theory would explain why, in a field experiment at a major north suburban mall, 25 people did not hold the door for a non-threatening stranger following close behind and only 2 did–one a man, the other a woman.
This was our first such experiment, so we have nothing to compare it with, but we’re guessing that there was a time when the door would have been held by 10 or 15 people, maybe more.
In addition to the numbers, there were a couple of notable offenders:
– Three men in a row, the last one being our field representative, headed into the mall in close order. The first one held the door for the second, who let it close in the face of the third. Thank you so much.
– A woman and a 6- or 7-year-old girl were heading out of the mall. The woman, who appeared to be the mother or some kind of authority figure, biffed open the door, letting it close on the girl, who was following closely.
Let’s clarify the complaint here. This isn’t to suggest that people who are several feet ahead must stand and hold the door for the person behind, barring involvement of a baby carriage, a wheelchair or crutches. Long-distance courtesy can get silly, even weird. For example, there are people–maybe doormen in another life–who insist on being courteous to people who are 20 or 30 feet away. The people heading for the door then feel obliged to scurry up to the door.
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No, the problem at issue is seemingly normal, thinking, feeling people who can’t even feign courtesy by merely keeping their arm extended to hold the door for another second. They act oblivious to the humanity around them.
And for those who don’t understand why not holding the door is rude, here’s the reason: A closing door has velocity that will act against the person coming up to it. A closed door is benign, but a closing door has an attitude. “Take that, Jack!”
(Revolving doors usually negate the problem, because the person in front inadvertently helps the person behind, except for those “cheaters” who let the people before and after do all the work, but that’s another story.)
Giovinella Gonthier, a former United Nations ambassador from Seychelles, now is a Chicago niceness consultant who operates Civility Associates and wrote the book “Rude Awakenings: Overcoming the Civility Crisis in the Workplace” (Dearborn Trade). She found that the lack of door holding was the No. 1 complaint among people in the workplace.
“I talk about eight actions sure to alienate workers,” she said. “The No. 1 action that always surfaces in my workshops is letting doors slam in the face of fellow workers. People feel very insulted when you let doors slam in their faces. You’re not acknowledging their existence.”
(And as for the workplace, let’s not even talk about saying hello in the hallway, or, for goodness’ sake, smiling at each other.)
The anger-backlash theory would explain why, on one hand, so many people complain about the lack of courtesy while so many also fail to be courteous.
Most likely some of those 25 people at the mall, had they been asked, would have complained that civility is dead. For the record, we didn’t ask them, because the mall manager understandably preferred that we not scare the customers.
But Gonthier said she has spoken with people who said that, because they would hold the door and not be thanked, they simply gave up. This would suggest a backlash mentality.
She traces the decline in door holding to the noble American quest for equality among people, particularly in the 1960s and ’70s.
“We’ve made incredible strides with rights in this country,” she said, “and I think we’ve done very well that way compared with a lot of countries.”
But somewhere in the intervening years, the drive for equality “became perverted in the sense that the more we believed all people are equal, the more we dispensed with manners.”
Thus, she explained, we as a people said, “You are my equal now, so the heck with you!”
So now almost no one is holding the door for anyone.
Supposing that the population isn’t going to suddenly turn kinder, we could try re-establish door holding by putting out the word that maybe, just maybe, the guy behind you is following you. Maybe he’s a threat. So your only hope is to hold the door and watch for signs of aggression.
Then at least we’ll all seem more polite.
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Send e-mail for Ross Werland to [email protected].