Editor’s Note: Hundreds of Ann Landers’ loyal readers have requested that newspapers continue to publish her columns of the past 47 years. These letters originally appeared in 1998 and 1996.
Dear Ann Landers: I have been married for 10 months and am still a virgin. I am 31, and “Edward” is 25. I dated him for four years. We attend church regularly, eat out a lot and have a wide circle of friends. I dated a number of boys before I met Edward. I am the only girl he ever took out.
Edward’s father died when he was 13. He had a very close relationship with his mother and was taught to respect older people, open doors for ladies and so on. His social skills are impeccable. That is what attracted me to him. Even though our relationship was platonic when we courted, I thought surely it would change when we married. I believed he was showing his respect for me because he knew I had high moral standards.
The problem is that nothing has changed. Edward tells me he loves me and tries to show it by cleaning the house, taking me out to dinner and surprising me with gifts. He never hugs or kisses me. The only time he ever kissed me was at our marriage ceremony when the preacher said, “You may kiss the bride.”
He shows no indication that he is gay. We work at the same place and do everything together, except have sex. At this point, I feel frustrated, depressed and lonely. I love this man and used to enjoy his companionship, but lately, I’m beginning to feel a lot of resentment.
When I try to give him a hug, he draws back, and I sense a coolness. When we go to bed, we say goodnight, and he turns his back on me and goes to sleep. We’ve never seen each other naked. He is slightly overweight and tells me he won’t be so shy when he looks better. He says if I really love him, I will wait until he is ready. Ann, how long do I wait?
— Frustrated in Florida
Dear Florida: Let me get this straight. You dated Edward for four years, have been married 10 months and are still a virgin. You have not seen him without clothes because he wants to wait until he looks better. You are sure he isn’t gay.
Have you considered the possibility that Edward is asexual? While he isn’t interested in males, he isn’t interested in females, either. And now you ask how long you should wait. Time is not a factor. Edward could wait forever.
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I urge you to seek professional help at once. Of course, your husband needs therapy, too, but for now, you need to get your head straightened around and find out why you have settled for so little for so long. You can think about Edward’s head later.
Dear Ann Landers: This letter is for those who do not visit relatives with Alzheimer’s disease because they can’t stand to see them “like that.” Yes, it is exhausting to try to converse for an hour with someone who doesn’t know if you are his (or her) sister, daughter or next-door neighbor. An hour later, he may not even remember you were there.
So don’t plan on staying an hour. Several short visits are better than a long one. Forced conversation is hard on both parties. Substitute activities for conversation. Take him/her for a walk or a ride. A trip to an ice cream parlor will be remembered after you’ve been forgotten. Or just bring an apple or orange — some Alzheimer’s patients are hungry all the time. Bring a manicure set or offer to organize a drawer or closet.
Alzheimer’s patients may not remember exactly who you are, but they recognize “family.” A family visit helps more than you know. Many patients are aware of what is happening to them, and they feel lost, frightened, angry and embarrassed. Contact with a family member helps them feel anchored to the real world again and brings the joy of belonging, even if only for a few minutes. Please, Ann, tell your readers this.
— J.B., Kensington, Md.
Dear J.B.: You have written a letter that will be enormously helpful to a great many people. Thank you on behalf of all of them.
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To find out more about Ann Landers and read her past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.