When the subject is meaningful conversations, Michael Toms’ views are more than talk. As host of a weekly syndicated radio program, he has interviewed more than 3,000 of the most innovative thinkers in health, science, philosophy, religion, art and, perhaps most important, the art of living.
His interview list during the last 30 years reads like a roll call of people most of us would love to meet over a long dinner (if only in the next life): the Dalai Lama, the late mythologist Joseph Campbell, author Alice Walker, the late Nobel Prize scientist Linus Pauling, wildlife researcher Jane Goodall, environmental entrepreneur Paul Hawken, the late Sierra Club founder David Brower, philosopher Jean Houston and poet Maya Angelou. His weekly program can heard at 4 p.m. Sundays on WDCB-FM 90.9 and is accessible on the Internet at www.newdimensions.org.
Toms clearly is familiar with the human appetite for growing and learning. He first talked with Alice Walker 30 years back, long before she became a household name and a must-read novelist. His initial interview with Dr. Andrew Weil was 1975, or 22 years before the natural health physician graced the cover of Time magazine.
The guy who says he merely “hangs out” with his radio guests has become someone who deserves our attention himself. He listens carefully and asks the right questions. We can all use more of those skills in our daily conversations. “I enjoy talking to others about their true passion,” Toms said during a recent break from a “contemplative dialogue” seminar he was attending at the Thomas Merton Center in Louisville. “Radio is the perfect place to do it. Radio is personal, intimate, full ideas of ideas and dialogue.”
Toms conducts a semiannual “authentic interview” workshop attended by writers, counselors, attorneys, ministers, managers, coaches, communication specialists and anyone else seeking to improve interview skills. The bonus part of the five-day get-together is improved conversational skills.
“The workshop is called `Deep Listening/Deep Questioning,'” said Toms, who facilitates the class in the San Francisco area but lives in rural California with his wife and New Dimensions Radio business partner, Justine.
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“What I want to do is create a space of love and trust. Within 24 hours everybody trusts each other. People can say whatever they want.”
“What we learn over the five days is to move beyond blame,” he said. “When you don’t blame people, you can see yourself in the other person. That helps us connect more completely.”
The deep-listening exercises are most valuable for many workshop participants. Toms said it starts–there’s no getting around it–with yourself.
“We find all sorts of ways to avoid listening to our inner voice,” Toms said. “We get busy with life, we watch TV, we have reached Olympic levels of distraction.”
One reason is people find it difficult to face the darker sides of themselves or life. Toms’ perspective is that, say, grief doesn’t disappear because someone chooses to ignore it. What happens is the person loses a chance to grow from emotional inner discovery. More than likely, this lost opportunity stops them from drawing closer to others.
Before categorizing yourself as someone who can grieve or not, expand your definition of grief. It can certainly mean dealing with the death of a loved one or the continuing effects of the events of Sept. 11. But it can include personal disappointments, such as bypassing a career path, dealing with health problems or losing touch with a loved one.
Toms said all of us can begin deep listening today.
“You just need to find small spaces in daily life,” he said. “One to five minutes is enough. Take the time to breathe deeply. Walking around the block might help.”
Expect some static when you embark on deep listening as a daily habit.
“It is important to notice how the brain works,” Toms said. “Buddhists call it the `monkey mind’ when we feel so busy with thoughts. Keep breathing deeply. Slow yourself down for the minute or two. You can’t slow down if you stay in the fast lane all day.”
Toms finds time for deep listening while driving: “I just go off. I am still alert and aware, that doesn’t stop me from listening to myself.”
On a practical note, Toms doesn’t make or take cellular phone calls in the car. Turning off the distractions at home can work similarly in conversations with your loved ones, especially if you have allowed yourself some inner listening at other times of the day.
“Everybody wants to be heard,” Toms said. “People want to get out their story. Sometimes the best thing we can do for someone is just be there and listen.”