Dear Ann Landers: My wife, “Ella,” has been diagnosed with the genetic marker for breast cancer. Mind you, she does not actually have the disease, but the marker indicates an increased chance that she will get it. Ella has always taken good care of her health. She exercises, eats right and has regular breast examinations. This recent diagnosis has been very hard on her, and she is angry and depressed. I have tried to convince her this is a blessing in disguise — that knowing about her susceptibility will help her discover any cancer early enough to take care of it. My words of encouragement mean nothing to her.
Ella is frequently ill-tempered these days and often directs her anger at me. She insists she will die within the year. No matter how supportive I am, it has little effect. I have been married to Ella for 20 years and love her dearly, but her attitude is making me miserable. Is there any way to help her deal with this more constructively?
— Unprepared in New Jersey
Dear New Jersey: Ella needs to be educated about the likelihood of developing breast cancer and what steps she should take to minimize her risk. The American Cancer Society offers information as well as support groups. She should look into it immediately.
Ella can also benefit from talking to her doctor about an antidepressant. The mind has a great deal to do with one’s health. If Ella remains angry and depressed, she may make herself more vulnerable to disease. If she won’t listen to you, phone her doctor and ask him to intercede. Let’s hope she pays attention.
Dear Ann Landers: Several years ago, you printed a wonderful poem that helped me enormously when I was going through a breakup with my boyfriend. It was about “decorating your own garden.” I would like to show that poem to a friend who is having a rough time. Please print it again.
— Riverside, Calif.
Dear Riverside: The poem you are talking about is “After a While,” and it is the most-requested poem from my column. Here it is:
“After a While” by Veronica A. Shoffstall
After a while, you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
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With your head up and your eyes open
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans.
And futures have a way of falling down in midflight.
After a while, you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure . . .
That you really are strong.
And you really do have worth.
And you learn and learn . . .
With every goodbye you learn.
———-
Lonesome? Take charge of your life and turn it around. Write for Ann Landers’ booklet “How to Make Friends and Stop Being Lonely.” Send a self-addressed, long, business-size envelope and a check or money order for $4.25 (this includes postage and handling) to: Friends, c/o Ann Landers, P.O. Box 11562, Chicago, IL 60611-0562. (In Canada, send $5.15.) To find out more about Ann Landers and read her past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.