Dear Ann Landers: Two years ago, I started dating “Howard,” whom I have known for 30 years. I am divorced, and Howard is separated. The reason he isn’t divorced yet is because he needs to be on his wife’s health insurance. He was diagnosed with lung cancer shortly after their separation and can no longer work. It is unlikely another insurance carrier will pick up the slack at the same price.
Since I have been romantically involved with Howard, I have noticed that he has a lot of problems. He is financially stuck with his ex-wife for insurance and tax purposes. He still smokes, even though the doctor has told him to stop. He likes to go to bed by 7 p.m., leaving me alone for the entire evening.
Three months ago, the doctors told Howard the cancer had spread and he probably won’t live much longer. I want to break up with him, but I feel guilty. He has a sister and a daughter who live nearby, but neither has offered any help.
I’m afraid if I leave, no one will look after him. I cannot deal with Howard’s bad habits anymore, and it bothers me that he does nothing to help himself. However, I don’t want to abandon him. What should I do?
— Trapped in Florida
Dear Trapped: Please hang in there. It doesn’t sound as if Howard has much more time left. Phone his sister and daughter, and explain the situation. It is possible they assume you are in charge and their assistance is not wanted. You should also ask the doctor if Howard is eligible for in-home health care. This will not be an easy path for you, but please be there for him. You won’t regret it.
Dear Ann Landers: I have been married to “James” for eight years, and we have a 7-year-old son. James is a wonderful father and a great provider. The problem? James has been having an affair with “Stella” for the last four years.
I will admit that James and I were never crazy-in-love, and during our marriage, we have been more like companions than lovers. I always thought we were comfortable with that arrangement and happy together.
I do not want a divorce because my job doesn’t pay enough to support my son and me, and the house belongs to James’ parents. If I leave him, I will have no place to live.
James loves Stella, but he promised to stay in our marriage because of our son. Stella understands this and is willing to share him. However, he is becoming more and more distant, and I want him to stop seeing her. How can I get things back to the way they were before Stella took him away from me?
— Driving Me Crazy in Louisiana
Dear La.: Stella did not take James away from you. He obviously was not satisfied with the brother-sister arrangement at home, and it is unlikely that he will want things “the way they were before.”
Please talk to a marriage counselor. If James will go with you, great. If not, go alone. You need to find out if the relationship is worth saving.
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Dear Ann Landers: I would like to respond to “Legal Eagle in the Midwest,” who complained when clients brought their young children to the law offices.
I have been a legal assistant for 10 years and figured out a long time ago that I should provide some entertainment for those little ones. I have a cabinet full of children’s toys, coloring books, crayons and simple games to keep them occupied while their parents tend to business.
Please suggest this to “Legal Eagle” before she starts hiring baby-sitters.
— Legal Mom in Beaumont, Texas
Dear Texas: Your solution was more gracious than mine. Thanks for writing.
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