Dear Ann Landers: I have been married to “Elmer” for two years and have never been allowed inside his parents’ home. My in-laws are wonderful people, and they have always been nice to me. However, they insist their house is dirty and they are ashamed to have “outsiders” see the mess. Even though I am married to their son, I guess they do not yet consider me part of the family.
Elmer visits his parents once a week while I stay home. When he phones me from their house, I can hear laughter and talking in the background, which makes me feel excluded. Even worse is when Elmer and I are together and he stops in to see them. I have to sit in the car or wait on the front porch until he is finished visiting. I find this demeaning.
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My in-laws have told me it will take years before they are ready to have me in their home. I am hurt by their attitude, and it is putting a strain on our marriage.
How should I handle this? — Insulted in Utah
Dear Utah: You have every reason to feel excluded and insulted. No matter how messy the house, it is not a valid excuse to keep you out. Is it possible that Elmer and his parents prefer to spend time together without you?
Tell Elmer the next time he visits his folks, you are coming inside whether he likes it or not. Inform the in-laws that it doesn’t matter how messy their house is, it’s time they made you a full-fledged member of the family, warts and all. Let them know their exclusionary practice is hurting your relationships, both with your husband and with them. (Even if their house is an absolute pigsty, keep a smile on your face and the lower half of it shut.)
Dear Ann Landers: My 36-year-old sister, “Denise,” is alcohol-dependent, although she is very successful in business and gets along with everyone. Our family members have encouraged her to get help for her alcoholism, but she has done nothing about it, as far as we know.
Here’s the problem: We decided a long time ago to stop serving alcohol when Denise is present. However, Denise sneaks off and drinks from bottles she has stashed in her purse. In the last few weeks, she has turned down our invitations for dinner because she knows we won’t serve her alcohol.
We miss Denise at these gatherings and want to be supportive. Tell me, Ann, would it be better to serve alcohol and have her join us, or should we leave things as they are? — Concerned Sister in California
Dear Concerned Sister: Serving alcohol to Denise will not make the problem better. In fact, she will think you have accepted her drinking, and it will become worse. Please contact Al-Anon, a wonderful organization for family and friends of alcoholics, and ask for their advice. Look in your phone book, or call 1-888-4AL-ANON (1-888-425-2666) (www.al-anon-alateen.org) for information.
Dear Ann Landers: This is in response to “Not Grateful in Richmond, Va.,” whose husband gives her cheap presents. I have a solution for her.
Many years ago, my neighbor’s husband could not be bothered to look for a suitable birthday gift, so he handed her a bathroom rug and said, “Happy Birthday, honey.” She thanked him, set the gift aside, wrapped it nicely, and gave it back to him for his birthday. He got the hint, and from then on, he gave her more appropriate gifts for all occasions.
— Can’t Stop Smiling in California
Dear California: You’re smiling? I’m laughing out loud. Thanks for the upper.
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