Dear Ann Landers: My wife is 42 years old. She was recently diagnosed with lung cancer and has only a couple of months to live. She used to be a heavy smoker.
My wife’s parents are also smokers. They live 500 miles away, but they visit often, especially now. They plan to be at our home as much as time permits in the difficult weeks ahead. During their previous visits, my wife and I asked her parents to smoke outside, in front of our home. As my wife’s condition has worsened, I find myself sickened and angered by the sight and smell of cigarette smoke. I cannot believe these people continue to light up on our porch while their daughter is dying a few feet away.
I don’t want to upset my wife by confronting her parents. However, when her father announces, “I’m going outside for a cigarette,” you could cut the tension with a knife. When I walk out the front door and see them smoking, it is obvious that I disapprove.
My in-laws have avoided all discussion of my wife’s lung cancer and the role her smoking played in her illness. I am so fed up with them, I don’t think I can keep my feelings to myself any longer. I need your help.
— A Frustrated and Angry Husband in Tennessee
Dear Husband: Cigarette smoking is highly addictive and difficult to give up. I am certain your in-laws are well aware that smoking can lead to lung cancer, but they may not be strong enough to quit. Keep in mind that they are grieving too.
Calmly, quietly and gently ask your in-laws to refrain from smoking either inside your house or outside on the porch. Explain how upsetting it is for you to see them destroy their health. Tell them that announcing, “I’m going to have a cigarette,” within earshot of your wife is disrespectful of her condition. If they are so addicted that they must light up, they should take a walk or drive to another location.
Dear Ann Landers: I have done something stupid, and now, I am ashamed of myself. I could use your guidance.
My husband has a business relationship with a woman who lives overseas. Last week, I discovered he had made several calls to her. I became upset and asked him what was going on. He laughed and said, “There is nothing going on, so stop worrying.” I was outraged at his attitude and thought he was lying to me.
I made several crank calls to the woman in question, phoning at odd hours and hanging up every time she answered. After the fifth call, the woman called back! I recognized her number from my Caller ID and did not pick up the phone. However, now I suspect the woman also may have Caller ID and she may have recognized my phone number.
I am embarrassed by my juvenile behavior. So far, my husband is unaware of the calls, but if he finds out, it could be the end of our marriage. He has to work with this woman. Should I confess and take my lumps, or keep quiet and hope he never discovers what happened? Please help me, Ann. I am . . .
— Desperate in the South
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Dear Desperate: Tell your husband the truth, and get it over with. Admit that you were extremely upset when you made those calls to his business associate. Tell him you were out of line and that you will never do it again.
Meanwhile, your suspicions about this woman are not going to disappear. Have a frank discussion with your husband about your insecurities. If he cannot ease your mind about his relationship with this woman, I suggest joint counseling.