Dear Ann Landers: This letter is for those well-meaning parents who repeatedly bail their children out of trouble. I know some parents who did this for their 24-year-old son. He has been arrested for underage drinking, possession of illegal drugs and driving under the influence. This young man bragged to his friends about his parents paying nearly $30,000 in attorneys’ fees to get him off the hook. Last September, this young man killed my beautiful 25-year-old daughter in a motorcycle accident. He was drunk, had no valid driver’s license or insurance, and was driving over 100 m.p.h. when he hit a concrete median. My daughter was riding on the back of his bike and was thrown into a ditch and killed instantly. Don’t tell me she should have known better. The accident was not her fault.
When the young man was arrested, guess who bailed him out — again. It has been eight months, and he has served no jail time. He is living with his parents and has all the comforts of home. Meanwhile, my only daughter is gone forever. My life will never be the same, yet this man has his parents taking care of his every need. He has suffered no legal consequences for his actions.
I want these parents to know what happens to the victims and their families. If this young man had learned about the consequences of his behavior earlier in life, maybe my daughter would be alive today.
— Sad Mother in Minnesota
Dear Mother: My heart goes out to you. While your daughter may not have caused the accident, she showed reckless disregard for her own safety. Nonetheless, you are right that too often parents keep their children from dealing with the consequences of their behavior. They believe they are being protective, but in reality, they are teaching that child to be irresponsible. The greatest favor parents can do for their children is to hold them accountable for their actions and see that they suffer the consequences. Bailing them out every time they get into trouble only guarantees more trouble.
Dear Ann Landers: Please tell your readers, again, that shoving wedding cake into the bride’s face is not funny.
My daughter’s beautiful wedding was ruined when her new husband (after being egged on by his father and uncles), smashed a piece of cake into her face and smeared it into her hair. My daughter was stunned. They had agreed beforehand that this practice was immature and they would not do it. Her makeup and hairdo were a mess, and her lovely beaded gown was ruined. When she began to cry, her new husband and his family started to laugh and take pictures. I was heartsick to see her in such distress, sobbing uncontrollably. When I offered her a tissue, the groom and his father told me to “butt out” because smashing the cake is a “tradition” at weddings.
My daughter and new son-in-law fought all night. The groom refuses to apologize and insists that my daughter overreacted. What do you say, Ann?
— Dismayed Mother in San Jose, Calif.
Dear Mother: I have often said this “tradition” is masked hostility. It is bad enough when the bride agrees to the practice, but there is no excuse for a groom to surprise his beloved by ruining her hair and makeup, laugh at her misery and take pictures of her humiliation. I know there are couples who think cake-smashing is good fun, but it should never be forced upon an unwilling victim.
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I hope your daughter has the name of a good marriage counselor handy. I predict she’s going to need it.
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Do you have questions about sex, but no one to talk to? Ann Landers’ booklet “Sex and the Teenager” is frank and to the point. Send a self-addressed, long, business-size envelope and a check or money order for $3.75 (this includes postage and handling) to: Teens, c/o Ann Landers, P.O. Box 11562, Chicago, IL 60611-0562. (In Canada, send $4.55.) To find out more about Ann Landers and read her past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.