Dear Ann Landers: I recently became involved with “Trent,” the man I have waited for all my life. He is wonderful, kind, sexy and loving. I adore him. Trent says he loves me, but for some reason, he refuses to spend the night at my apartment (we rarely go to his). We are both single, and our sexual relationship is terrific. I do not understand why he won’t fall asleep by my side. Occasionally, he will stay until morning, but we both are awake the entire time. Last week, Trent said he had to go out for a quart of milk and he would be right back, but he didn’t return. He called later and said he had to go home. Once, he suddenly “remembered” something and left abruptly. When I confront him about this odd behavior, he becomes upset and angry.
We have already had a few heated arguments, and I fear this will wreck our relationship if I continue to pressure him. Nonetheless, I know something is wrong, and I can’t figure it out. Please help me.
— Sleepless in Atlanta
Dear Atlanta: It is quite possible that Trent has a physical problem he does not want you to know about. He may snore loudly, wet the bed or flail wildly in his sleep. He may be too embarrassed to discuss the problem, and you shouldn’t nag him to confide in you. I agree it sounds weird, but only you can decide how important a factor it is. If you love Trent and the rest of the relationship is good, I say leave this alone. If the relationship becomes more serious, you can bring it up again later.
Dear Ann Landers: This is for “Wife of an Addict in Maryland.” She said her husband got hooked on painkillers and refused to get treatment. She didn’t want to leave him because she was afraid he’d end up dead. Please tell her not to feel guilty about throwing the bum out.
My ex-husband was hooked on painkillers and muscle relaxants for years. He could not hold a job, and we lost our house, our credit and our friends. We tried counseling and drug treatment centers, both in-patient and out-patient, but nothing worked. He found doctors who were willing to supply him with pills, some from out of state and one in Mexico. Finally, for my own sanity and the safety of our two children, I left him. He fell in and out of jobs, and lived on the streets, with friends or in homeless shelters. All this finally caught up with him, and he died of Hepatitis C. He had not seen his children in three years and owed more than $50,000 in back child support. He died broke and alone.
“Wife of an Addict” should realize that her husband may have become addicted through no fault of his own, but his refusal to seek treatment is his choice. He must face up to his addiction, something many addicts never do. If he doesn’t want counseling, she should go on with her own life. I did and am much happier. So are my kids.
— Been There in Texas
Dear Texas: You are right. If the addict refuses to get help, there is little you or anyone else can do. At some point, family members must pull back in order to save themselves. However, I hope and pray that all avenues of treatment be considered before giving up and leaving the addict on the street.
Dear Ann Landers: I was appalled by the letter from the woman whose brother asked her to buy him a washer and a dryer for his new home. What nerve! Here’s my suggestion: She should send him an old-fashioned “washer and a dryer” — a dishcloth and a tea towel.
— Less Rude in Connecticut
Dear Connecticut: Your idea is clever, but I doubt it would improve sibling relations. I don’t recommend it.
More Top Picks Best Heated Base Layers For Cold Weather