Dear Ann Landers: I would like to respond to the letter signed “Too Much Sex in Los Angeles,” whose husband was grabbing her constantly. The wife stated, “I can do without sex altogether, but I told my husband I could manage twice a week and no more.” You are right that the couple needs counseling, but I think your response was very one-sided.
I have been the husband of such a woman, and it is extremely stressful to have a wife who has no interest in intimacy. A woman who is barely able to consent to making love and “tolerates” intimacy twice a week is destroying the relationship. She is telling her husband that she does not enjoy the most important part of their marriage. Her husband is probably angry but does not know how to handle it. I’m sure he believes she is the one who is controlling and demanding.
You should have considered both sides of this issue and offered advice that indicated both the wife and the husband had a problem.
— Never Enough in Florida
Dear Florida: The woman said she was exhausted caring for a disabled child and doing her best to compromise about sex. She was upset that her husband made no such effort and treated her as if she existed for his personal entertainment. He threatened divorce if she didn’t give him sex on demand.
Granted, she might try harder to make her feelings less obvious, but his callous and demeaning attitude is shameful. They both need counseling, and the sooner the better. At least we can agree on that.
Dear Ann Landers: I am a 21-year-old college student and am quite concerned about “Betty,” a good friend of mine. Betty overeats at every meal, loads up on sweets and fats, and never exercises. I have offered to go to the gym with her to work out, but she isn’t interested. When I confronted her about her obesity, she insisted she wasn’t fat, just “big-boned.” What can I do?
— Concerned at Yale
Dear Yalie: You can do nothing. This is the original do-it-yourself project. I hope Betty sees your letter, decides once and for all to quit making excuses for her weight and asks for help.
Dear Ann Landers: After reading the letter from “Sports Widow in Kentucky,” I had to write. Her letter is my life exactly. I discovered on my wedding night that sports were a higher priority for my husband than I was.
For the first four years of married life, I pouted, begged and pleaded for a normal relationship. For the next five years, I learned the name and location of every football team, memorized the players’ names, positions and statistics. I then buried myself in my children’s lives. That lasted 18 years. Then the children left home.
One day, while my husband was mesmerized by a sporting event on TV, I handed him a bottle of lotion, took off my shoes and socks, and placed my feet on his lap. Hardly aware of what he was doing, he began to give me the most marvelous foot massage. I was in heaven. After that, we agreed I would get a foot massage for every sporting event he watched on TV.
Today, I wait, hope and pray there will be some game he will want to watch. For the first time in our marriage, I feel connected to him during sporting events and pampered to boot. We will celebrate our 33rd wedding anniversary this summer, and I hope there is a pre-season football game on TV for us to enjoy together.
— Team Spirit in Nebraska
Dear Nebraska: I’d say you found the perfect solution — and I suspect a good many “sports widows” will be eager to try your approach. Thanks for writing.