Dear Ann Landers: My 40-year-old son was divorced two years ago from a woman who cheated on him.
One of her affairs resulted in a child. She never made any secret about the fact that this little girl was fathered by another man. My son, however, is quite attached to the child and considers her to be his own. Since he was married to his wife at the time the girl was born, she is legally his. He was granted partial custody and has the child every weekend. She is now 5 years old.
I refuse to acknowledge this child as my granddaughter. She is no blood relation to me, and I have no interest in accepting another man’s child as part of my family.
My son is upset about my attitude and says the girl often asks about her “other grandma.” She wants to meet me. This is not possible, and I have told him so. He says I am being unreasonable. Am I? — Not the Grandma in Virginia
Dear Grandma: Whether or not your son is biologically related to this little girl, he is her father in the true sense of the word. It is not the child’s fault that her mother had an affair.
Not only are you depriving yourself of the joy of being a grandmother to a precious child, you are also denying the little girl the opportunity to get to know you. Moreover, you are alienating your son by being so stubborn, and it will eventually damage your relationship beyond repair.
I urge you to open your heart and accept this child. You won’t regret it.
Dear Ann Landers: This is in response to the letter from “Married But Still Looking’s Wife in Atlanta.” She said her husband downloaded pornography and listed himself with an Internet dating service. They both went for counseling, but he didn’t bother to tell the therapist about the porn. It is obvious that the man is in denial about the seriousness of the situation.
I used to look at pornography and believed it wouldn’t hurt my marriage. However, it changed the way I looked at my wife, the way I treated her and how I thought of my marriage vows. It affected her trust in me, and now, over a year later, she still gets nervous when I sit down at the computer. I am doing my best to earn her respect again, but I know it will take a long time.
Pornography does hurt a marriage, whether or not the wife knows about it or the husband admits he has a problem. I hope this woman will insist that her husband be honest with his therapist. It is the only way their marriage will survive. — Recovered in Dayton, Ohio
Dear Dayton: While an occasional peek at a girlie magazine is normal, a consistent diet of pornography can distort a man’s perspective about women and his expectations about intimacy. Thanks for being the Voice of Experience.
Dear Ann Landers: My 48-year-old mother is dating a married man. “Luke” and his wife were friends of my parents when I was growing up, and I always considered him an uncle of sorts.
Now I see him in a different light, and it isn’t flattering. My mother constantly runs to Luke’s side and ignores her responsibilities at home. She cries every night because he refuses to leave his wife and children.
My older brother is getting married this summer, and Mom wants to bring Luke to the wedding. I have told her if she brings him, I will never forgive her. In fact, I might not attend the wedding, knowing he will be present. Don’t you think I’m right, Ann? — Daughter in New York
Dear Daughter: No. If you don’t attend the wedding, you will hurt your brother, and he doesn’t deserve that. You cannot control your mother’s behavior, no matter how irresponsible. She knows how you feel. Let’s hope she comes to her senses before it is too late.
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To find out more about Ann Landers and read her past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.