Dear Ann Landers: My sister, “Doris,” is a single mother of a young boy. She has met someone and insists that he is the man of her dreams. She has informed our family that she is moving across the country to marry “Mr. Perfect.”
My sister has a long history of picking losers. She has lived with several men, and her child thinks each one is his new “daddy.” How can I make Doris understand the damage she is doing to her son? When I express my concern, she becomes upset and says she deserves to be happy and this may be her last chance. I think she is being selfish, putting her happiness above her child’s. How can I make her see the light?
— Auntie in South Dakota
Dear Auntie: Doris views your concern for her as an intrusion in her life. She feels her privacy is being invaded and resents it. I am reminded of that cynical saying, “No good deed will go unpunished.”
Continue to try to help Doris, but use a lighter touch. It might be more effective. Instead of criticizing her, be a friend — someone to whom she can turn when she needs a shoulder to cry on. Form a bond with your nephew so he will feel your home is warm and welcoming. Keep in touch, no matter what. If she knows you will be there for her without judging, she will be more receptive to what you have to say. I hope, for her son’s sake, that this relationship works out.
Dear Ann Landers: I have been married for four years to a wonderful man. The problem is, “Dan” takes on projects and never completes anything. When we first moved into our house, Dan removed the carpets and base molding, intending to replace them. The floors are still bare — three years later. Half of our garage is filled with old books and magazines. He refuses to get rid of a single one until he is finished reading it. I haven’t seen him read anything for at least two years.
I cannot get Dan to help with the yardwork or organize his home office. I try to do these things myself, but with a 2-year-old, it is exhausting. It seems to me that Dan has had plenty of time to complete his projects, but when I bring up the subject, he becomes defensive and angry.
We rarely argue about anything else, Ann. Please tell me how I can get him to cooperate.
— Crazed in Connecticut
Dear Conn.: You are not going to change this man, so stop arguing and accept his faults. You also might suggest to Dan that he be evaluated for Attention Deficit Disorder. He is displaying some classic symptoms. Meanwhile, save some money, and hire a professional to finish the floors and help with the yardwork. (P.S. The home office is Dan’s responsibility. Leave it alone, no matter what.)
Dear Ann Landers: My 19-year-old daughter, “Claire,” is a sophomore in college. Claire’s father and I divorced when she was a preschooler, and my ex-husband paid child support until she turned 18. I am now paying for her tuition, books, room and board, and miscellaneous expenses. My ex and I have always alternated years when claiming Claire as a dependent on our tax returns. However, after filing my return last month, I told my ex it is only fair that I claim Claire as a dependent from now on, since he no longer contributes toward her support. My ex says, “No way.” He believes I should have saved enough from the years of support payments to cover Claire’s tuition. What do you say? — Ex-Wife Out East
Dear Ex-Wife: If you are paying all of Claire’s expenses, it seems to me you are the only one entitled to claim her as a dependent. However, please discuss this with an accountant or call the IRS, and get a professional opinion.
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Ann Landers’ booklet “Nuggets and Doozies” has everything from the outrageously funny to the poignantly insightful. Send a self-addressed, long, business-size envelope and a check or money order for $5.25 (this includes postage and handling) to: Nuggets, c/o Ann Landers, P.O. Box 11562, Chicago, IL 60611-0562. (In Canada, send $6.25.) To find out more about Ann Landers and read her past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.