Dear Ann Landers: I am a 26-year-old divorced woman with two children. I have been corresponding through a pen-pal program with several inmates at a nearby penitentiary. Most of my letters are strictly for the purpose of friendship, but there is one man I have fallen in love with.
I have visited the prison several times to speak with “Steve.” My children have met him, and they adore him. We speak on the phone every week, and I have met his family. They are warm and loving people. I think Steve is a great guy who was in the wrong place at the wrong time. He admits his guilt and wants to make a better life for himself. He wants to marry me when he is released next year. My family will hit the roof when they find out about Steve’s prison record. My mother might even go so far as to try to have my children taken away. I’m sure my parents would love Steve if they got to know him, but I doubt they will let him in the door. I trust Steve completely and believe he is a good person. Am I fooling myself, Ann? Should I tell my parents about his background now or wait until they have a chance to get to know him?
— Pen Pal in Baton Rouge, La.
Dear Pen Pal: I urge you to be cautious about Steve. He may be everything you say he is, but you won’t know for certain until you spend some time with him outside of prison. Make sure he can find a job before you make any kind of commitment. Do not let him move in with you. For your safety and his own sense of self-worth, he needs to be able to support himself. Meanwhile, you do not have to tell your parents about Steve’s background right away. Allow them to meet him under neutral circumstances. You can fill them in on the details once you decide how the relationship will proceed.
Dear Ann Landers: I read the letter from “San Diego Mother,” who thought her children should be allowed to crawl all over their aunt and uncle. There may be another reason why her brother-in-law and his wife ignore the children.
My husband and I have three kids, but it took almost five years to start our family as I endured fertility tests, operations, drugs and a miscarriage. During that time, I could not bear to be around my young nieces and nephews. I hope “San Diego Mother” will show a little compassion toward her relatives. They may be having problems she knows nothing about.
— Been There in New York State
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Dear New York: Thank you for pointing out an additional reason why people may be uncomfortable around small children. I hope all parents will pay attention.
Dear Ann Landers: I am a 35-year-old single mother with a teenage daughter and a high-profile job. The problem is my neighbor, “Ursula.” She is a wonderful friend, and I love her dearly, but her intrusive behavior is driving me crazy.
Ursula knows when I come and go, and calls the minute she sees someone approaching my house. If there is a car in the driveway and she doesn’t recognize it, she phones and asks who is visiting. She will call if she thinks a guest has stayed too long. I feel as if I am being spied on. I am beyond the age where I require adult supervision, Ann. I know Ursula means well, and she has a heart of gold. Is there any way I can get her to back off without hurting her feelings?
— Grown Up in Minnesota
Dear Grown Up: Since Ursula’s friendship is important to you, try to think of her intrusiveness as concern for your well-being. When she phones, say, “Thanks for watching out for me. I’ll call back when I have more time.”
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What can you give the person who has everything? Ann Landers’ booklet “Gems” is ideal for a nightstand or coffee table. “Gems” is a collection of Ann Landers’ most requested poems and essays. Send a self-addressed, long, business-size envelope and a check or money order for $5.25 (this includes postage and handling) to: Gems, c/o Ann Landers, P.O. Box 11562, Chicago, IL 60611-0562. (In Canada, send $6.25.) To find out more about Ann Landers and read her past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.